Moving On
by DarkChilde2
Summary: Warning: SLASH, Spike/Xander, other unconventionals ships both het and slash, character death. Everyone learns to live again after Buffy's Death.
1. Aftermath

Title: Aftermath  
Series: Moving On  
Author: Dark Childe princess220@alltel.net or   
darkchilde78@ididitmyway.com  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoiler Warning: Through The Gift. Don't read this if you don't want   
to know how the season ended.  
  
Summary: Relationships change in the aftermath of the fight with   
Glory. Series will involve slash pairings.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Everything else belongs to   
Joss, ME, and other individuals and corporate entities. No profit is   
made. No copywrite infringement intended.  
  
Distribution: All list archives can have it. UCSL. If anyone else   
wants it just ask.  
  
Author's Note: This series might be a little hard to follow. Rest   
assured, that it all comes together in the end. Parts will be jumping   
around between Sunnydale and LA. There will be lots of UC pairings   
some slash. If this offends you don't read it.  
  
Feedback: Yes please. I love to hear that somebody enjoyed my   
stories, and constructive criticism will only make me improve. Thanks.  
  
  
One week, it had only been one week since Xander's world began to   
fall apart. One week since they fought the battle that killed his   
best friend and caused the death of his lover. He had spent most of   
that week in shock. For four days Anya had lingered in the hospital,   
having suffered massive internal injuries. She had died wearing her   
engagement ring, he remembered, she'd said "Give it to me when the   
world doesn't end". The world was going on, she was not. He had loved   
her completely, but couldn't even bring himself to cry when the   
doctors told him she was gone. He was numb, he'd been through too   
much. Now he had attended two funerals in two days. He had stood with   
Giles, Willow, Tara and Dawn. Willow and Tara clung to each other for   
comfort. Giles had wept openly at Buffy's funeral, and even shed a   
few quiet tears for Anya. Dawn had been unconsolable crying through   
both services. Only Xander had yet to shed a tear. He couldn't   
explain it really, it was like something inside just shut down when   
he saw Buffy lying on the ground. He had done all the necessary   
expected things. He sat by Anya's side until the end. He had told her   
he loved her. He had spoken comforting words to Dawn. He had made the   
appropriate expressions of gratitude at the return of Tara, but none   
of it meant anything. The world had lost all of its color, all of its   
appeal. He wasn't suicidal, he didn't care enough to want to die. No   
at this point he was beyond it all, even the pain.  
  
It had been only a week since Spike's reason for being had been   
destroyed. Buffy's death had destroyed something inside of him. She   
may not have loved him, but she saw him and accepted him for who he   
was. He came very close to walking into the sun that first day, but   
in the end he couldn't do it. Not because the world held any appeal   
for him, but because he had made Buffy a promise. He had promised   
her, he would protect Dawn, protect her until the end of the world.   
He would do that. He would do it for Buffy, who no longer could.   
Spike found Dawn that evening, with everyone else, at the hospital.   
Proving just how unaware Spike had been of everyone. He had never   
even realized that Anya had been hurt. Dawn was staying with Giles   
now. It seemed he had been given temporary custody over her, at least   
until the authorities were able to contact family. He spent the next   
days and nights with her and the rest of the people that had   
comprised Buffy's family, a group that he finally had a place in. He   
was with them at the hospital when Anya died. Now the funerals were   
over, It was time to start again. Time to start a life that did not   
include Buffy, he wasn't sure, he could do that, but at least he had   
a reason to try. In the last week he had come to realize just how   
fragile life was. How fragile all of Buffy's very human friends   
were. He made a decision, in some way, Buffy had protected all of   
these people. She was no longer here to do that, so he would. Spike   
would protect not only Dawn, but Giles, Xander, Willow, and Tara.   
They were all he had left of her, the only thing he had left to hold   
onto.   
  
"Do you think he's okay? Willow, he didn't even cry." Dawn was   
worried about Xander. She had watched everyone carefully in the last   
two days. Never once had Xander cried. Everyone was at Giles'   
apartment now that the funeral was over. Giles was hovering, he   
brought tea and cake. He seemed incapable of sitting still. Dawn   
suspected he needed to keep busy, deal with the details so he didn't   
have to think about the reality. The reality that Buffy was gone.   
Willow and Tara were dealing. Their reactions had a strange and   
surreal feel to them. Tara had barely known Buffy and Anya, but had   
regarded them as family. Willow felt Buffy's loss deeply, and felt a   
great deal of regret at Anya's death, however; in the midst of that   
sadness, they also felt a great deal of joy. Willow had been able to   
return Tara to herself, their own relationship, grew stronger   
everyday. They were comforting whoever seemed to be hurting most at   
the moment. Xander was just sitting. He wasn't talking to anyone, he   
hadn't touched the tea that Giles brought him. He was just sitting.   
As Dawn looked around the room, she realized Spike was there also.   
She hadn't noticed, how long had he been with them? She remembered he   
was at the hospital. Dawn realized with a start that Spike had barely   
left her side since Buffy had died. She'd have to be nicer to him,   
she'd mention it to Willow later.  
  
"He just deals with things differently, hon. He didn't cry at Jesse's   
funeral either. He'll be alright, just give him some time." Willow's   
words were true, but she knew incomplete. She was worried about   
Xander as well, but didn't know of any way to help him. Given time he   
should begin to heal, and he had lost so much more than the rest of   
them. He'd be okay.  
  
"I hope so. Hey guys, do you have any idea how long Spike's been   
hanging around. I haven't really talked to him since the fight, but   
he was at the hospital, I remember."   
  
"He's been around, I hadn't really thought about it. Has he said   
anything to you? Why do you think he stays?" Willow truly hadn't   
noticed Spike's presence.  
  
"He watches Dawn, he's protecting her. I think he's doing it for   
Buffy, because she can't. He's barely taken his eyes off of her."   
Tara had noticed. She didn't say anything, everyone was so hurt, she   
wasn't sure what their reactions would be. For her own part, Spike   
had become one of them when he had fought that day. She still wasn't   
sure she liked him, but she believed she could trust him, trust him   
with her life.  
  
Xander sitting across the room was able to observe everything with a   
kind of detatchment he'd never had before. He was acutely aware of   
the flurry of activity that was just barely holding Giles together.   
It was so unlike his usual quiet actions, that he noticed. Xander was   
also aware of Spike. Spike had wandered through the background of   
their lives in the last several days. The blonde vampire followed   
Dawn wherever she went, he was her shadow. Xander knew that Spike had   
been in love with Buffy. When he found out it had amused him, but   
Spike had proven himself. He had fought with them against all odds,   
he'd been willing to sacrifice his own life, not only for Buffy but   
for Dawn. He had earned the right to be one of them. He had also   
earned the right to walk away, but he hadn't done that. He'd stayed   
to protect the child that Buffy died to save. For that he had earned   
their respect.  
  
The evening continued, all of them dealing with their grief the best   
way they new how. It was incredible how much they had lost in a few   
short months. Joyce had been a friend and confidante for all of them   
at one time or another. Anya had found her way into all of their   
hearts with her innocent exploration of what it meant to be human.   
And Buffy had meant the world to them. She had been their best friend   
and their protector. Dawn was tired. She had cried all the tears she   
could cry and listened to all of the words of comfort she could here,   
and she told Giles as much. He quickly told everyone that Dawn was   
tired and it was time for them to go home. Willow and Tara nodded   
passing hugs around before leaving. Spike looked reluctant to go, but   
eventually walked towards the door.  
  
"Wait." Spike, Dawn and Giles all three turned and looked at Xander   
who had barely spoken the entire night. "Spike, where are you going?"  
  
Spike answered the question without argument, "Home, to the crypt."  
  
"No. Come with me. You should have a warm bed at least, you've earned   
that." Without another word, Xander left Giles apartment.  
  
Dawn and Giles took a second to react. Finally Giles nodded, "He's   
right. Go on."  
  
Dawn went to Spike and hugged him. "I know you loved her. Thank you."  
  
"I do love her, little one. I always will." Not knowing what else to   
say to the child in front of him, he followed Xander out the front   
door.  
  
When they reached Xander's apartment he opened the door and walked   
in. Xander turned realizing that Spike was still behind him. "Come in   
Spike. You can stay here as long as you like. Just don't make a mess.   
There are blankets in the hall closet. The windows are on the east   
side, so make sure you close the drapes. I'm going to bed." With that   
Xander went into his bedroom and shut the door.  
  
Spike was puzzled by Xander's actions. It was no secret the boy had   
never liked him. He supposed it was to be expected really, they had   
history after all. So, why was he allowing Spike to live here with   
him. He didn't understand why Xander was helping him, he did however   
understand Xander's reaction to the deaths of his friends. He   
recognized in Xander's every move and word that Xander had shut down   
completely. That was something he understood. Sometimes when there is   
too much pain, it is easier to feel nothing at all. That nothingness   
was dangerous though, eventually you lost control over it, it   
dominated your life. The boy was fragile, Spike would watch him, make   
sure he survived the deaths of his lover and his friend. He would   
protect Xander, from himself if necessary. Protect him for Buffy and   
for himself. Xander and the rest all carried a piece of Buffy inside   
them, by protecting them, he kept those pieces where he could see   
them. 


	2. Breakthrough

Title: Breakthrough.  
Series: Moving On  
Author: Dark Childe princess220@alltel.net or   
darkchilde78@ididitmyway.com  
Rating: PG  
Spoiler Warning: Through the Gift and There's No Place Like Plrtz   
Glrb. Don't read this if you don't want to know how the season ended.  
  
Summary: After a nearly catastrophic fight, Xander finds purpose.   
Series will involve slash pairings.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Everything else belongs to   
Joss, ME, and other individuals and corporate entities. No profit is   
made. No copywrite infringement intended.  
  
Distribution: All list archives can have it. UCSL. If anyone else   
wants it just ask.  
  
Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who sent me feedback on the first   
part. Sorry this one was late. This series might be a little hard to   
follow. Rest assured, that it all comes together in the end. Parts   
will be jumping around between Sunnydale and LA. There will be lots   
of UC pairings some slash. If this offends you don't read it.  
  
Feedback: Yes please. I love to hear that somebody enjoyed my   
stories, and constructive criticism will only make me improve. Thanks.  
  
  
"We should be doing this. You know I'm right. We owe it to Buffy.   
Someone has to keep the Hellmouth under control, who else is going to   
do it." Dawn was trying to convince Giles that they should patrol,   
even without Buffy. She'd been arguing this way for days now, and it   
didn't seem like she was getting anywhere.   
  
"Dawn, I must think of your safety. Without Buffy, without a slayer,   
I don't think that we can handle the hellmouth on our own. We will do   
what we can if an emergency arises, but I don't think it is wise to   
start regular patrols." Giles did not want to risk Dawn's safety.   
Buffy was gone, he didn't think he could stand to lose another one of   
the children, it would kill him.  
  
"What about the time Buffy ran away? Willow, Xander, Oz, and Cordelia   
patrolled then. They didn't even have someone like Spike with them.   
Besides, it's not like another slayer is going to show up. You said   
it yourself, Buffy was removed from the cycle the first time she   
died. Faith has to die before a new slayer can be called. Someone has   
to do something. Sooner or later the vamps are all going to realize   
she's gone, we can't let them just take over the town. I won't allow   
it. If you won't help, I'll just have to do it myself." A defiant   
edge crept into Dawn's voice.  
  
Giles sighed, he knew that Dawn was right. Somebody did have to   
protect the innocent citizens of Sunnydale, but why did it have to be   
his children. Wasn't it time for someone else to take on that   
particular burden. He hated this, hated that even now, he couldn't   
keep them safe. "I know, and you are right, I at least have a duty to   
protect the innocent. I'll call the others, we'll see about beginning   
some regular patrols. We won't let the monsters win."  
  
"Thank you Giles. Go, call." Dawn had a small smile, she'd won this   
battle.  
  
"Of course." Giles went to make his phone calls, a sad smile on his   
own face. This young girl that he was already beginning to regard as   
a daughter reminded him so much of Buffy. Her mannerisms were the   
same, and when she believed in something she would fight just as   
hard. It made him love her more. He had only two calls to make, when   
had their numbers dwindled so drastically. When Buffy had been in   
highschool, there were always many calls to be made. Buffy, Willow,   
Xander, and frequently Cordelia. Now he had only two, one to Xander's   
apartment and one to Willow and Tara. The calls went quickly and   
everyone had agreed to meet at the magic shop in an hour.  
  
Later that evening everyone was gathered in the magic shop. They   
hadn't all been together here since the fight with Glory. Giles had   
spent a great deal of time here, he had taken over Anya's duties.   
Dawn had spent some time here, helping keep shelves stocked or   
cleaning up, it gave her something to do. Willow and Tara had each   
been in individually to buy supplies. Neither Xander, nor Spike had   
set foot in the shop since the battle. Everyone waited, not knowing   
quite what to do or say. Finally Giles cleared his throat, "Hello   
everyone. Dawn asked me to do this, and I must say, I should have   
done so earlier. It is my duty, to protect the innocent of Sunnydale,   
and to prevent the opening of the hellmouth. Dawn feels as though she   
needs to do this as well. I would never try to force any of you into   
this, in fact, I would prefer you to stay far away from all of this.   
I would prefer for you to be safe, to never have to see another   
monster. I know however, that you would never allow that, nor would   
you ever forgive me for not giving you the opportunity to help."   
That may have been more than Giles had ever said to this group   
without consulting any books. He hoped he had managed to convey   
everything.  
  
"I won't allow it. Dawn cannot put herself in that kind of danger,   
she can't." Spike can't even entertain the idea that Dawn will fight.   
She has to be protected at all cost.  
  
Dawn walked over to Spike and gently took his hand. "Spike, I have to   
do this. Buffy died so that I could live, I can't let people suffer   
because she made that choice. This is what I have to do for Buffy.   
Don't argue with me, or try to talk me out of it. Believe me, Giles   
has already made all the arguments. I won't budge on this. The only   
thing you can do for me, is help, go with us, protect us." She spoke   
softly, her voice shaking with emotion.   
  
Spike did understand. This was what Dawn had to do for Buffy, he had   
to protect Dawn for Buffy, he would go with her, anywhere. "Alright,   
luv. I'll help you however I can."  
  
Willow stepped forward, "Tara and I will help. You're right Giles, we   
can't walk away from this, we have to fight." She squeezed Tara's   
hand and Tara nodded her agreement. They had enjoyed their quiet time   
together, but new it was time now to return to the world of demons,   
the real world.  
  
Dawn looked over at Xander who's expression had yet to change tonight   
or really since Anya's death nearly a month ago. "Xander, what about   
you?"  
  
Xander nodded, "I'm in."  
  
"Great, everyone is going to help out. Now I figure Giles should stay   
here and research just like always. The rest of us should split up   
into teams and patrol. What do you think guys?" Dawn's voice was full   
of excitement. She was eager to get started.  
  
Giles smiled gently at her enthusiasm, "For the most part a very good   
idea Dawn. There are some things I would like us to do, to make this   
safer for all of you. First, if you are serious about wanting to   
patrol I would like to begin training sessions. We could all use some   
practice. We don't have Buffy's abilities, so we will have a harder   
time of this, we need to stay sharp. I also want us to start carrying   
phones, at least one per group."  
  
"Okay, I know, I could use a little work with fighting. Tara and I   
could teach Dawn a few simple protection spells also. How should we   
break up?" Willow wanted to help, but was a little nervous at the   
prospect of training and patrolling in a small group.  
  
"Well, I suspect that Spike won't be separated from Dawn, am I   
right?" Giles continued at Spike's nod. "I don't want to leave the   
two of them to themselves, and if I send them with you Willow, Tara,   
then Xander is left alone. I suppose it will have to be a break   
between magic and not. You and Tara are quite capable of protecting   
yourselves from most demons with your use of magic. You are also   
smart enough to know when to get out of the way and call for help.   
Between the three of them Spike, Xander, and Dawn should be able to   
handle most creatures as well." Giles wasn't completely satisfied   
with that arrangement, but he knew that Dawn and Spike could not be   
separated, and did not want to split Willow and Tara up. He would   
like to have an experienced magic user in Dawn's group and perhaps a   
stronger fighter in Willow's, but he thought things would work out   
this way.  
  
And so things were set. Whenever the group could meet they did. They   
trained and they fought the evil that was slowly retaking Sunnydale.   
Willow had learned a great deal in her years as Buffy's friend, and   
formal training only made her better. Tara's magic was powerful, and   
she could use a stake well enough to survive. Dawn was eager, quick   
to learn, and strong. Spike, of course had the advantage of a   
vampires strength and speed. He was a gifted fighter, and dedicated   
to protecting these people, and by extension the world. Xander had   
always had the skill to fight, heightened by his millitary knowledge   
from Halloween, what seemed like lifetimes ago. Now he also seemed to   
posess a determination that was new, a need to destroy the monsters   
that had taken so much from him. They settled into a routine,   
patrolling every night. The summer passed and the girls went back to   
school while Xander continued his job. Still every night they   
patrolled. Spike shared Xander's apartment, but was no closer to the   
young man. Xander had very effectively withdrawn from everyone.   
Willow, Tara, Dawn, and even Giles, wanted to help, but weren't sure   
how. Ultimately they decided that he just needed to grieve in his own   
way and so did nothing. Spike saw Xander's control slipping a little   
more each night, Xander had to try a little harder to make the world   
real. Xander threw himself into every fight, with no regard for his   
personal safety. So far he had always won, but Spike knew it was only   
a matter of time until Xander started a battle he could not win, a   
matter of time until Xander died fighting. Spike could see it, but he   
didn't know what to do about it, what to say. Ultimately he simply   
accepted it. He did his best to protect the fragile boy, and gently   
tended his wounds at night when the battles were over, always   
dreading the night that Xander would not win, that he could not save   
Xander. He wasn't sure how he would handle the loss of one more   
person. Over the months he had grown to love everyone of this group.   
At first it had been for the connection they were to Buffy, but now   
he loved each of them for themselves as well. Dawn was a lovely,   
vibrant child. She was strong and determined to fight. She was so   
much like her sister, but without many of the emotional weights that   
had locked Buffy away from everyone in the last months of her life.   
Willow was smart and dedicated, she gave everything she had for her   
friends. It was impossible to not love Willow. Tara was quiet and   
shy, but her strength and deep ability to love was clear to anyone   
who cared to look. Xander was in such pain, broken. He reminded Spike   
of Dru. He wasn't lost yet, but he was certainly on the path, that   
alone would have been enough to make Spike protective of him, but   
there was more. Spike could remember when Xander was the most alive   
person he'd ever encountered. He remembered a beautiful boy, who   
worked endlessly to keep his friends optimistic. A boy that had   
refused to give in to any bad situation and who loved with his whole   
heart. And Spike had to love Giles for the care he gave to each of   
these children, for his attentiveness and love for them.   
  
On a friday night early in September, routine was broken. Everyone   
had gathered at the magic shop as usual. There were no prophecies, no   
particular threat of which they were aware. Willow and Tara went to   
do a quick sweep of the magical hot spots in Sunnydale. Xander,   
Spike, and Dawn went to patrol the graveyards. They quickly went   
through the first two. They found few vampires and no other demons   
there. As they entered the third cemetery they heard sounds of   
fighting. They went to investigate and found a very large, very angry   
demon.  
  
"We should call the others in on this one. That's a Larkesh demon,   
they're trouble they are. Get the phone Little Bit." Spike spoke to   
Dawn and Xander. Dawn obediently got her cellular phone out and began   
to dial Willow's number. Xander, on the other hand, started to move   
towards the demon.  
  
"Can't wait for the others, there are people over there."   
  
"They are already dead, Xander. Have you seen any movement other than   
the demon?" Spike tried to reason with Xander but Xander was not   
listening.  
  
"If there is any chance of saving them, I have to take it." With that   
he ran into the open and challenged the demon.  
  
Spike swore softly under his breath, "Stay here Dawn. Call for the   
girls and Giles. If anything happens to me out there you stay here,   
understand." His voice was low and serious as he addressed Dawn.  
  
She nodded and Spike turned to leave. Dawn reached out and touched   
his arm, "Spike, bring him back to us, please."  
  
Spike wanted desparately to promise he would do just that, but he   
couldn't. He couldn't lie to this child. He had seen Larkesh demons   
take on armies and win, he couldn't guarantee, even that he would be   
back. "I'll try, luv. I'll try."   
  
Spike rushed in to join the fight. Xander had so far, mostly by sheer   
luck managed to hold his own. The two of them hacked away at the   
demon, which resembled some giant bug, while trying to avoid it's own   
attacks. It was strong, but relatively slow. Spike managed to stay   
out of the path of it's waving tentacles. Xander on the other hand   
was taking quite a beating. They fought desparately but were unable   
to break through the tough exoskeleton of the demon. Just as Spike   
was beginning to lose hope he heard a low chanting and the creature   
burst into flames. Willow and Tara had arrived.  
  
The witches and Dawn rushed out to check on Spike and Xander. "Are   
you okay?" Willow asked quickly scanning both Spike and Xander for   
any life-threatening injuries.  
  
Xander was standing, but obviously injured. His clothes were torn and   
bloody, and it was obvious that every movement hurt. Still when he   
answered it was with a calm, detatched voice. "I'm fine, I couldn't   
save those people though. Spike?"  
  
"I came through it OK. Look, we killed a big demon, lets call it a   
night. Dawn has school and I need to get Xander patched up." Spike's   
words were clipped. There was tension in his voice that was very   
seldom evident anymore. He seemed almost angry, still his words made   
sense.   
  
"Definitely time to call it a night. Let's get back to the magic   
shop." Willow said, pulling Dawn along with her, puzzled at the   
emotions evident in Spike's voice. The group headed quickly back to   
the magic shop where Giles was waiting.  
  
"Is everyone okay, Dawns message was rather garbled." Giles asked   
nervously.  
  
Willow gave Giles a quick reassuring hug, "Everything's fine Giles.   
They ran into a demon but nothing Tara and I couldn't handle."  
  
Tara smiled shyly and offered, "Larkesh demons don't do well with   
fire."  
  
"Good lord, you encountered a Larkesh. You must tell me what   
happened." Giles was overwhelmed. Larkesh demons were rare, and even   
more so in the Americas.  
  
"Tomorrow. Right now, we're going home." Spike still sounded angry.   
No one was quite sure why, but they knew he couldn't hurt anyone, and   
didn't really believe he would, even if he could. They decided to let   
the mystery go for the night.   
  
"Goodnight, everyone. Let's go home Tara." Willow left with Tara.  
  
"Thank you Spike, fix him up. You're getting good at that." Dawn   
whispered to Spike as he was leaving.   
  
Spike answered her softly, "Not so good."  
  
Spike and Xander walked home in silence. When they got there, Spike,   
as usual, got out the first aid kit, and began the process of   
bandaging up Xander's wounds. He carefully removed the remnants of   
Xander's tattered shirt and cleansed his wounds. He applied   
antibiotic ointment and bandages to all of the cuts and scrapes. He   
tightly taped Xander's much abused ribs, all in silence. Finally when   
his work was done, he spoke, "What the hell did you think you were   
doing tonight?"  
  
Xander was startled as he looked at Spike, really looked at him, for   
the first time in months. The vampire was a mass of violent energy,   
just aching to break free. You could see the tension in every   
movement, in the stiff line of his jaw, in the clenching of his   
hands. His voice was cold each word designed to cut with the tone   
alone.   
  
For just a moment Xander was frightened. It was strange, and in a way   
oddly exhilirating. It had been so long since he had felt anything.   
But that moment quickly passed. "I did what I had to do. I had to   
try." His voice was still dispassionate, no emotion daring to touch   
it.  
  
"You knew as well as I did, that those people were already dead. This   
wasn't about them, it wasn't about saving lives. This was about you,   
and your need to throw yourself into the fight. I want to know why.   
Tell me. Your actions tonight could have caused not only your own   
death, but mine and Dawn's as well. Bloody hell, Xander, what makes   
you do this?" The anger was still there, the voice was no less cold,   
but the desire for answers was real, and an almost pleading quality   
now existed alongside the other emotions. Spike needed to understand.  
  
"Do you know what it's like to not be able to feel anything, Spike.   
At first it was nice, I didn't have to feel the pain, but I can't   
feel anything, do you understand that. The only time, I ever come   
close to feeling alive is in the fight, at least then the physical   
pain gets through. Besides, what if I do die, I don't have anyone   
left to live for. My reasons are gone. Willow doesn't need me   
anymore, and Buffy and Anya are dead, what do I have to live for."   
Anyone would have expected the words to come out impassioned or at   
the very least a little bitter, but they didn't. Xander had spoken   
using the same cool tone he had every day since Buffy's death.  
  
It was strange and disorienting to hear words that held such pain,   
spoken in such a calm voice. Spike was still angry, and his confusion   
fueled that emotion. In a moment he had Xander pinned against a wall,   
not exerting enough pressure to hurt, just enough to hold him   
there. "I know what it's like to feel like you don't exist. It   
happens when you don't feel like anyone needs you, or wants you. What   
I don't understand is you. If there was ever a time when you were   
needed it's now. Dawn needs you, the girls need you, Giles needs you.   
Live for them. Live for yourself, for christ sake. And if you can't   
do that, then live for me, because damnit Xander I can't handle   
losing one more of you. You are all that I have left of her, don't   
you get that. Live for me, you bastard." He had practically screamed   
this at Xander, and never released him.  
  
Xander had listened to every word that Spike said. When Spike spoke,   
he could hear the pain in his words. He could see behind the anger to   
the bone-deep weariness that tormented Spike, and he wanted to make   
it better. That was enough to begin breaking down the barriers that   
had held back his emotions for so long. And when he next spoke it was   
with genuine compassion and caring in his voice. "Why do you need me   
Spike? I need to know why."  
  
"All of you, carry a piece of her with you. If I were to lose my   
links to Buffy, it would kill me. Giles holds the part of her that   
was the slayer. His training, his memories, and his priorities speak   
of her constantly, but the slayer wasn't what I loved, not entirely.   
Willow and Tara hold a great deal of her social self, they remind me   
of the times, I saw her at the Bronze or out elsewhere, the times   
when her duty wasn't hanging over her head, but that wasn't what I   
loved either. Dawn, I love, but I can hardly stand to be with her.   
She reminds me to much of Buffy. Every action, every word, every look   
belongs to Buffy. It's too painful, too much. But you, you hold her   
heart, her courage, her will to go on. All of those things exist in   
you, or they did when you were truly alive. That's what I loved in   
Buffy, that's what everyone loved in Buffy. If you leave me, I will   
have lost that part of her. I wouldn't survive that." Spike's voice   
had now been stripped of anger, all that was left behind was pain,   
raw and harsh. He still did not release his hold on Xander. When he   
spoke, Spike had turned away, unwilling to face this boy. Now he   
looked back at Xander's face, their eyes mere inches from each other.   
He saw something there, he had almost abandoned hope of ever seeing   
again. Xander cared about something. His deep brown eyes were filled   
with kindness, compassion, and pain.  
  
"I'll try Spike. I'll try to live. It won't be easy though. I'll need   
you to help me, to remind me why I have to do it. Okay?" Xander spoke   
softly and began to cry. These were his first tears since the battle   
with Glory. They were tears shed for the deaths of his friends, shed   
for the loss of his own life, and for the pain his friends felt and   
he had helped inflict.  
  
"Good enough. We'll make it through this." Spike pulled Xander close   
and let him cry.  
  
They stood like that for a long while before Xander spoke again, "I   
should get some sleep. We'll talk in the morning. Good night Spike."   
Xander extricated himself from Spike's embrace and went to his room.   
He had a reason to live again, a reason to feel. Things weren't   
perfect, but they were okay, and that was good enough. 


	3. A Surprise

Title: A Surprise  
Series: Moving On part 3  
Author: Dark Childe princess220@alltel.net or   
darkchilde78@ididitmyway.com  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoiler Warning: Through the Gift and There's No Place Like Plrtz   
Glrb. Don't read this if you don't want to know how the season ended.  
Summary: When Cordelia goes to see a doctor she gets a big surprise   
and realizes just how much she can count on her friends. Series will   
involve slash pairings.  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Everything else belongs to   
Joss, ME, and other individuals and corporate entities. No profit is   
made. No copyright infringement intended.  
Distribution: All list archives can have it. UCSL. If anyone else   
wants it just ask.  
Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who has sent feedback so far. This   
series might be a little hard to follow. Rest assured, that it all   
comes together in the end. Parts will be jumping around between   
Sunnydale and LA. There will be lots of UC pairings some slash. If   
this offends you don't read it.  
Feedback: Yes please. I love to hear that somebody enjoyed my   
stories, and constructive criticism will only make me improve. Thanks.  
  
Three months had changed Cordelia's whole life. It began with   
learning of the death of Buffy. That had hurt, badly. She couldn't   
say why exactly. She'd never really been friends with the other girl.   
Jealousy and petty arguments had pretty much defined their   
relationship. Maybe that was it in itself. She knew that she had   
grown far beyond the shallow girl from high school, and believed that   
Buffy's experiences had to have made her grow as well. She'd always   
thought she'd get a chance to repair that friendship. To maybe   
actually build a real friendship with Buffy. Couple that with guilt   
over losing touch with the rest of that group which had so defined   
her high school years. She hadn't heard from any of them in ages and   
had been unconcerned about that fact, content to live her own life.   
She cried for Xander, when she heard that he had lost Anya shortly   
after proposing. They had their issues, but ultimately she knew that   
Xander cared for her, and it was impossible not to feel for him. She   
didn't know how it was possible that she had fallen so out of touch   
with that life, that she would not know that Willow had a girlfriend,   
or that Xander was in such a serious relationship. She had definitely   
been hit hard by Buffy's death. At the same time her relationships   
with the group now around her grew and changed. She was determined   
that these friends not be allowed to slip away from her. She forced   
them into social activities together. She spent time with all of   
them. She had built an especially strong friendship with Angel. She   
had been afraid for him, when Willow had told them that Buffy was   
dead. She knew he would take it badly, and he had. Angel dealt with   
things by withdrawing from the world. Cordelia would not allow that.   
She forced him to stay grounded in the reality of his living friends.   
They mourned Buffy's death, but would not be taken over by it. She   
and Angel spent countless hours recounting memories of an earlier   
time. Some of them good, others painful in their own right. They had   
been through it. Wesley and Gunn each felt a bit like outsiders when   
they would begin their remembrances, but they weren't bitter over   
them. So in three months time, Cordelia had been forced to deal with   
death and guilt over broken relationships and had gained a much   
stronger relationship with those around her. Overall, the changes   
were good. She was happy to have her friends.   
  
In the last weeks, however; another change had begun. Cordelia's   
health was declining. She was tired all of the time, and frequently   
sick. The other's had begun to notice and comment. She was constantly   
barraged by inquiries as to how she was feeling and requests that she   
see a doctor. She could tell already that today was going to be no   
different.  
  
"Cordelia, are you ok. You look tired." Angel's voice was laced with   
concern. Cordelia looked not only tired, but drawn and pale.   
  
"I'm fine Angel. It's just been a rough week for me, haven't felt all   
that great, but nothing life-threatening." Cordelia tried to sound   
upbeat, but she was so tired.  
  
"You don't sound fine, and you've been telling us all that for weeks   
now, Cordelia. I think perhaps you should see a doctor." Wesley too   
was troubled by Cornelia's ill-health.   
  
"Really guys I'm fine. I don't need to see a doctor." Cordelia hated   
doctors she always had.  
  
"You are not fine. I've been listening to how fine you are for three   
weeks now, and it's just not true. You just keep getting paler, and   
thinner, and more tired. Now you are going to see a doctor." Now   
everyone had spoken as Gunn added his opinion.  
  
"Fine, I'll call for an appointment in the morning. Will that make   
you guys happy?"  
  
"Go ahead and call now Delia, then you can have the rest of the day   
off." Angel said softly, but with an air of command in his voice.   
  
"Oh for goodness sake, you don't think I'll call. I can't believe   
this. Fine, if it will make you all feel better, I'll call for the   
appointment right now." Cordelia looked up the number for her   
doctor's office, called and made an appointment. She hated being made   
to feel like a child. She was a grown woman and perfectly capable of   
taking care of herself. Still it was nice to know that her friends   
worried about her, that they cared enough to worry.  
  
"Thank you, Cordelia. I meant it, if you want the rest of the day   
off, you can take it. Nothing much going on here right now anyway."   
Angel said, relief clear in his voice.   
  
"I think I will. I'll just go home, watch TV and get some rest. I'll   
see you all tomorrow." Cordelia was glad for the day off. She would   
go home and try not to think about seeing a doctor.  
  
The next morning she got up and went about her routine as usual, but   
instead of sitting down to watch her usual morning television she   
left to go to the doctor's office. She was ten minutes early for her   
appointment. The receptionist gave her some paperwork to fill out.   
Cordelia completed the paperwork and returned it to the   
secretary, "Here you go. Do you know how long of a wait there will be   
to see the doctor." Her only answer was a noncommittal shrug.   
Cordelia sat back down in the nearly empty waiting room and hoped her   
wait was short.   
  
Twenty minutes later a young woman who Cordelia assumed was the   
nurse, stepped out and called her name. Cordelia followed the woman   
back to an examination room.   
  
"My name is Becky, and I'm Dr. Lawton's nurse. The doctor will be in   
to see you in a few minutes, but first I'm going to just take some   
information. I need to get your height and weight, check your blood   
pressure, and also your temperature okay." As the nurse was talking,   
she was already motioning Cordelia towards the scale in the office.   
Becky worked efficiently and soon her preliminary work was done.   
  
"The last thing, I'm going to do before the doctor sees you is ask   
you a couple of questions, Ok Cordelia?" Cordelia nodded in response.  
  
"First off, why are you coming in today. I know you told the   
receptionist you needed a check-up, but was there anything in   
particular that made you decide to come in?"  
  
"I guess so. I've been really tired lately and my friends have   
noticed. They say, I've been getting pale and losing some weight   
also. Sometimes I'm sick, but nothing really consistent like the flu   
or anything. Anyway, my friends talked me into coming to see the   
doctor."   
  
"Okay, as a routine check for women of your age we always do a   
pregnancy test." The nurse hands Cordelia a small cup and asks her to   
go in the bathroom. They need a sample. Cordelia finds this highly   
embarrassing, but she does it. When she comes back the nurse smiles   
at her. "Okay, that's it from me. The doctor will be in in a few   
minutes to see you." Becky leaves and Cordelia is left alone again.  
  
A few minutes later Dr. Lawton, a woman in her mid-thirties, comes   
into the room. "Hello Cordelia. I see you haven't been feeling well   
lately. You're tired, and have experienced some weight loss. Have   
there been any other symptoms?"   
  
"I haven't really felt well for a couple of weeks now. I've had to   
eat really mild food, if I wanted to keep it down. Usually I'm all   
for eating Curry and other spicy stuff. My friends at work mentioned   
I was paler than usual too, but I didn't notice that." Cordelia was a   
little annoyed she had mentioned all of this to the nurse. Why should   
she have to go over it all again.   
  
"Okay, I'm going to listen to your heart and breathing. I need you to   
be very quiet." The doctor used her stethoscope and listened first to   
Cordelia's heartbeat and then to her breathing, periodically asking   
Cordelia to take deep breaths. "That all sounded normal. I am a bit   
concerned about your weight loss, especially if you have been getting   
paler as well. Your blood pressure and temperature are both a little   
elevated also. I'm going to have some routine labwork done, just to   
make sure you aren't anemic and eliminate some other possibilities.   
I'd say there is a good chance that you are simply stressed, but it   
will take a few hours to get your results back from the lab. Do you   
want to wait for them, or do you have a pager we could call when the   
results are in?"  
  
"I have a pager." Cordelia was nervous. bloodwork meant there could   
be something actually wrong with her. The doctor's reassuring words   
to the contrary did little to soothe her nerves.  
  
"That's good. Becky will be back in a moment to draw some blood, then   
if you'll just leave the pager number with the receptionist we will   
let you know when the results are in. Okay?"  
  
"Okay, thank you doctor." Cordelia obediently waited for Becky to   
return. With the same cool efficiency she had used earlier, Becky   
drew some blood samples and reminded Cordelia to leave the number for   
her pager. Cordelia left the number and then went to shop. If she had   
to wait a couple of hours to get these results she owed it to herself   
to spend money while she did.  
  
A few hours later Cordelia had exhausted both her checking account   
and her body. She was just sitting down to a well-deserved latte when   
her pager beeped at her. It was from the doctor's office, so she   
gathered up her things and headed back to the office. She had managed   
to convince herself over the last couple of hours that there wasn't   
anything wrong with her, so she was much more upbeat on this trip   
than the other. When she reached the office, Becky took her back to   
the same small examining room that she had been in earlier to wait   
for the doctor. She was with a patient, but would be in shortly.  
  
The doctor was smiling when she entered the room Cordelia was in,   
that had to be a good sign didn't it. "Cordelia we the results of   
your tests back. You are going to be just fine. I'm going to   
prescribe some nutritional supplements for you as well as some   
hormone therapy. That should help clear up the symptoms you've   
mentioned. I'm afraid you may be stuck with the nausea and to some   
extent the tiredness for a few months though. Cordelia your test   
results showed that you are pregnant."  
  
Cordelia was glad she had been sitting down, otherwise she was sure   
she would have fallen down. Pregnant, that simply was not   
possible. "I can't be pregnant, everything has been normal. That   
doesn't happen when you're pregnant." Cordelia was frantic. This was   
simply not something she was prepared to deal with.  
  
Dr. Lawton was a little worried about the girl in front of her. She   
knew that the news of pregnancy could be a shock, but the way that   
the girl had talked, she had assumed that she had a great support   
net, and would be overall pleased with this information. "Cordelia,   
your hormones are a little out of sync with where they should be,   
that's causing your cycle to continue mostly as normal. I'm going to   
prescribe you some hormone supplements to correct for that. I assure   
you, you are indeed pregnant. You do have someone to help you with   
this, don't you? What about your baby's father?"  
  
Cordelia could hear the concern in Dr. Lawton's voice and was a   
little embarrassed that she had reacted so badly. "I'm sorry, it was   
just a shock. Of course, I have very good friends that will help me   
through anything. The baby's father isn't one of them, but that's   
okay." Her voice came out calm and controlled this time, but her   
emotions were still all over the place.   
  
"Are you sure you are going to be okay Cordelia?" Cordelia's first   
reaction had left Dr. Lawton quite concerned, but she seemed to have   
recovered by now.   
  
"Yes, I'm fine. What do I need to do?" Cordelia calmly spoke with the   
doctor, and by the time she left had two prescriptions to fill and a   
handful of pamphlets on pregnancy and coping. She stopped at the desk   
one last time on her way out to set up her series of prenatal care   
appointments. She was certainly glad that she had made Angel set up   
insurance policies for the rest of them months ago. She was   
overwhelmed but at least she had something that needed to be done.   
She went to the pharmacy where her prescriptions had been called in   
and picked up two bottles of pills and was given the same   
instructions for them that the doctor had given her earlier. Two of   
the vitamins everyday and one of the other pills three times daily.   
She got it. With that done, Cordelia was again feeling a little   
lost. She finally found herself at the hotel. She was still early for   
work, but Angel should be up by now, and maybe the others would be   
here too.   
  
Cordelia walked into the hotel and called out, "Angel are you up.   
Guys is anyone else here?" A moment later she saw Angel coming out of   
one of the back rooms.  
  
"You're early Cordelia. No one else is here yet. Did you go to your   
appointment this morning?" Angel asked his concern evident.  
  
"I did, lets go sit and talk Angel." Cordelia's calm facade was   
beginning to ravel around the edges. Angel leads her over to the   
seating area that they had created for potential clients.  
  
"What is it Cordelia, what did the doctor say?" Angel was getting   
worried now, obviously the doctor had said something that upset   
Cordelia. He didn't know what he'd do if he lost her, some days she'd   
been all that held him together after Buffy's death. She had to be   
alright.  
  
"Oh, Angel, I don't know what I'm going to do. The doctor told me I'm   
pregnant." With that the last of her barriers broke and she began to   
sob. Angel was a little confused, but he simply went to her and   
gathered her up in his arms whispering soothing nonsense into her   
hair.  
  
After a few moments, she calmed and was ready to talk again. "I'm   
sorry, I didn't mean to lose it like that. Angel, what am I going to   
do. I'm only just barely 21. I'm trying to be an actress for god's   
sake, how am I ever going to get a part pregnant. How am I ever going   
to handle any of this."  
  
Angel was silent for a moment trying to decide just how to   
answer. "Cordelia, you know you have friends here. Wesley and Gunn   
would do just about anything for you, and I know I would as well.   
We'll help you through this, but I know it will be hard. I don't mean   
to pry Delia, but what about the baby's father?"  
  
Cordelia gave a harsh little laugh, "Oh trust me, I won't be hearing   
from him. It was stupid, I should have never done it, but after Buffy   
died, I guess I just needed to feel connected to someone and Todd was   
handy. Todd doesn't want to be a father, and I wouldn't want him to   
be in the life of any child. Todd is not an issue. I know you guys   
will take care of me, it's just kind of scary. Thanks Angel, for   
listening, for everything. I'm going to go get cleaned up, then we   
can decide how to tell Wes and Gunn." Cordelia really was better now.   
She knew her friends would come through for her and she wouldn't have   
any trouble from Todd. She'd get through this all just fine. 


	4. Nightmares

Title: Nightmares  
Series: Moving On part 4  
Author: Dark Childe princess220@alltel.net or   
darkchilde78@ididitmyway.com  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoiler Warning: Through the Gift and There's No Place Like Plrtz   
Glrb. Don't read this if you don't want to know how the season ended.  
Summary: Back to Sunnydale for this part. Xander and Spike begin to   
share a life. Series will involve slash pairings.  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Everything else belongs to   
Joss, ME, and other individuals and corporate entities. No profit is   
made. No copyright infringement intended.  
Distribution: All list archives can have it. UCSL. If anyone else   
wants it just ask.  
Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who has sent feedback so far. This   
series might be a little hard to follow. Rest assured, that it all   
comes together in the end. Parts will be jumping around between   
Sunnydale and LA. There will be lots of UC pairings some slash. If   
this offends you don't read it.  
Feedback: Yes please. I love to hear that somebody enjoyed my   
stories, and constructive criticism will only make me improve. Thanks.  
  
One month had passed since Xander had promised Spike he would try to   
live. It was difficult, but absolutely worth it. First were the   
emotions themselves. It wasn't that Xander hadn't felt at the deaths   
of his loved ones, he had merely built a wall up around those   
emotions. With one promise and a good cry those walls came tumbling   
down and nothing could stop the flood of emotion that poured forth   
from him. It all hit at once. Guilt, he'd always been good at that.   
Willow used to say he could find a way to blame himself for the   
holocaust if he tried long enough. Well he had guilt a plenty here.   
The hit that Anya had taken was in an attempt to help him, hell she   
wouldn't have even been there if it weren't for him. She had said as   
much at the magic shop. Just a generalized feeling of guilt, like he   
should have done something more. There was also a great deal of   
anger. Anger at himself and the others for not being able to do more.   
Anger at Buffy and Anya for leaving him. Anger at a world that this   
could happen in. There was the overwhelming aching sadness. Sadness   
that the world would be forever deprived of what these two vibrant,   
special women had to offer. Sadness that he would never have the   
opportunity to build a family with Anya. Sadness for all the things   
she had never been able to see of humanity, all of the things they   
had put off doing. Sadness that Dawn would have to grow up with   
neither her mother or sister to care for her. Then there was one   
final thing, something he had never expected, something he thought   
had been killed by the last months. Underneath everything he found   
that he still felt hope, awe, and most importantly love. He felt hope   
that the world really was worth saving. Hope that there would be   
other people and times that he would get to cherish. Awe at the   
strength of Buffy and his friends. And love, love for so many people.   
His love for Anya and Buffy hadn't diminished at their deaths. He   
loved Willow and Tara, Giles, and even, he was coming to realize,   
Spike. Some days were hard, the negative emotions took control and he   
could not contain the tears or shouts, but those days were fewer and   
fewer as time wore on. There was only one thing that wasn't getting   
better. The nightmares. Xander had terrible nightmares every night   
since he had allowed his feelings through. Tonight was no different.  
  
Xander was back at the construction site, it was dark and no one else   
seemed to be around. A heavy mist swirled and clung to the surfaces.   
As he walked through the site he was confronted with images, ghosts   
of another time if you will. Anya beaten and battered appeared before   
him, "It's your fault Xander. If it weren't for you, I would have   
left town. I would have been safe."   
  
A moment later Dawn stepped from the mist, "Why didn't you save her,   
Xander. Why did you let her die." The young girl accused before   
fading once more into the mist.   
  
Xander kept walking and soon was confronted with Willow's face, "You   
left us Xander. You left us alone when they were gone. Why?" and then   
it too melted away.  
  
Xander finally reached the first step of the platform where Dawn had   
been held. Buffy was suddenly in front of him, "You could have done   
better, bought more time. Why didn't you do a better job Xander."   
Unlike the other ghosts Buffy did not fade away she simply continued   
to accuse. She was soon joined by the rest, Willow, Tara, Dawn,   
Giles, and Anya. Eventually other's from Xander's past appeared.   
Several of the students he had led into battle on graduation day   
pointed accusatory fingers at him. Jesse asked why Xander had killed   
him. Then small voices were added, voices of the children Anya would   
never have. There were so many people there, and they all had only   
one message. "It's your fault Xander."  
  
At first Xander tried to reason with them, tried to make these ghosts   
understand that he had done his best. When that didn't work he gave   
into his own worst fear, that it really was all his fault. Xander   
collapsed in a heap and began to cry bitterly whispering over and   
over again, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it."  
  
Spike was trying to sleep. It was very early morning still an hour or   
more until Dawn, but of late, his sleeping schedule had adjusted so   
he spent more time with Dawn and Xander, the witches and Giles too of   
course. Tonight however he was having trouble getting to sleep. Maybe   
that's why he heard the tiny whimpering sounds coming from Xander's   
bedroom. It disturbed him to hear such sounds. Drusilla had for many   
years, had terrible nightmares and this was the sound she had made.   
People would tell you that when a person is having a truly terrible   
dream they scream, but that simply isn't true. Fear can make a person   
scream in their sleep, but fear is not the worst thing that you can   
feel. Despair, hopelessness these are the worst things and they won't   
draw anything so powerful as a scream, for the person dreaming those   
emotions knows a scream will not help them. The soft noises they do   
make are involuntary, just air escaping their mouths.   
  
Spike was unsure of what to do. Over the last month he and Xander had   
grown close, but he had still never been in Xander's room, nor did he   
expect to be. Their relationship to this point was simply not one,   
where they could intrude upon each other's private personal space.   
Still, he had promised to help Xander deal with this. It was his   
responsibility as the one who broke the wall down, and dreams like   
Xander was obviously having had to be worked through. They had to be   
dealt with. Having resolved that, Spike decided that he had to at the   
least wake Xander. So he got up and went to Xander's bedroom door. He   
very slowly opened the door and walked inside. He did not turn on the   
light, he didn't want to startle Xander after all. Instead he walked,   
in the dark, to the edge of Xander's bed, where he gingerly sat down.   
Xander was curled up into a tight ball on the other side of the bed,   
shivering, and whispering something over and over again. Spike   
couldn't make out the words, but he recognized the tone. The tone   
spoke of giving up. He didn't like hearing that sound from Xander,   
not at all. He carefully reached out a hand and placed on Xander's   
shoulder. "Wake up, Xan. Come on, it's just a dream." His gentle   
words didn't appear to have any effect on the sleeping boy, and   
Xander flinched away from his touch. This only made Spike more   
determined to wake Xander. He slid a little closer and grasped his   
shoulder a little more tightly, "Xander wake up. Wake up right now."   
There was a sharp edge to his voice this time, and something in it   
must have worked. Xander opened his eyes and looked around a little.   
He still seemed caught up in the dream though as he continued to   
whisper incoherently.  
  
"Xander, come on. Don't do this. You're here, you're safe. Everything   
is okay." Spike gave Xander one last gentle shake.   
  
It was then that Xander seemed to come fully awake. His eyes focused   
on the things around him, finally settling on Spike. "Spike?" There   
was a question in Xander's voice, as if unsure just why the vampire   
would have come to him.  
  
"You were having a nightmare Xan. I couldn't just let that happen.   
Besides, I couldn't sleep." Spike tried to speak lightly as if this   
were no big deal. Later, in the morning perhaps, he would talk to   
Xander more.   
  
Xander was so relieved to be awake, all of his momentary reservations   
disappeared with his gratitude. He through his arms around Spike,   
pulling him up close. "Thank you. You have no idea how terrible it   
was. They were all accusing me, telling me it was my fault, and the   
worst part was I believed it. I knew they were right. It was my   
fault, and there wasn't anything I could do to make it better."   
Xander spoke through sobs.   
  
Spike was a little surprised at Xander's reaction, but instinctively   
drew the other man closer, wrapping his arms around him. He gently   
stroked Xander's hair and tried to make sense of what Xander was   
telling him. "It's not your fault Xander. None of this has ever been   
your fault. Nobody thinks it is." The words were softly spoken but   
forceful. Spike would not allow the other man to take this on   
himself. Xander had done everything in his power to save the others,   
going far beyond what could reasonably be expected of him. From what   
he knew of Xander's past, that had always been the case. For a long   
time now, Xander had been the weakest of the group without magic or   
supernatural powers to draw from, but that had never once stopped him   
from fighting. He was the least to blame for anything that had ever   
happened.   
  
Xander just continued to cling to Spike letting the vampire comfort   
him. Finally he spoke again, "I know, but it's so real. And you don't   
know about all of it. It isn't just Buffy or Anya, it's people from   
before. And people who won't ever even exist. I don't know how to   
explain it to you, but it's so real. I can't help but feel that at   
least some of them are right. I should have been able to save at   
least some of them. Graduation day I led hundreds of kids to their   
death. Why couldn't I save them. I survived, why didn't they."   
Xander's words faltered and he collapsed into tears again.   
  
Spike was somewhat at a loss. He understood guilt. God he was a   
master at it. It probably came from the feeling that you were never   
quite good enough. He'd felt that all of his life and most of his   
time as a vampire. He knew that Xander had felt much the same. Part   
of never being good enough, means never being able to fix things. He   
had always felt guilt that he couldn't make Dru better, bring her   
back to herself. He'd felt guilty when they'd lost Angelus, lord   
knows how he managed to blame that one on himself. It had to be a   
fault of his that allowed her to be hurt years later bringing them to   
the hellmouth. And Buffy's death as well. He felt as though he should   
have been able to do more, to save her somehow. So yes, he understood   
the emotion, but he had no idea how to deal with it. The only thing   
he knew was that he wanted it to go away. Not knowing any words he   
simply continued to gently stroke Xander's hair, soothing him as best   
he could.   
  
Twenty minutes later Xander was asleep. He had finally managed to   
exhaust himself. Spike was afraid to move, afraid to wake him, so he   
simply continued to hold him, certain that the boy would wake soon.  
  
Xander woke to find himself half sitting in his bed, wrapped securely   
in Spike's arms. The blonde vampire was sound asleep, but apparently   
that didn't cause him to loosen his grasp any. It took Xander a   
moment but he remembered the events of last night, how he had come to   
be here. He'd had another nightmare. It must have been a particularly   
bad one this time. He couldn't remember the details. He rarely could   
on waking, but he knew the idea. While he was slightly embarrassed at   
how he had obviously reacted, he was glad it was Spike who had   
finally found out about the nightmares. Spike he was sure, would at   
least understand how he felt, where they came from. Besides, it felt   
good to be held. He'd spent a lot of time over the years holding one   
or another of the girls through crisis, personal or cosmic. He'd   
comforted them through their tears, playing the role of the strong   
one, the big brother who never breaks down in desperate times. It was   
nice to have someone do that for him. Not that he planned on making   
a habit of crying himself to sleep in Spike's arms, but it was good   
to know he could. Having sorted all of this out in his mind, Xander   
determined he would not be embarrassed about this. He very carefully   
extracted himself from Spike's grasp, and left the still sleeping   
vampire to go and get dressed. 


	5. Changes

Title: Changes  
  
Series: Moving On part 5  
  
Author: Dark Childe princess220@alltel.net or   
darkchilde78@ididitmyway.com  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoiler Warning: Through the Gift and There's No Place Like Plrtz   
Glrb. Don't read this if you don't want to know how the season ended.  
  
Summary: The events of the last 4 1/2 months through the eyes of   
Dawn. Series will involve slash pairings.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Everything else belongs to   
Joss, ME, and other individuals and corporate entities. No profit is   
made. No copyright infringement intended.  
  
Distribution: The Dreams & Musings website. UCSL. Any other list   
archives can have it. If anyone else wants it just ask.  
  
Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who has sent feedback so far. This   
series might be a little hard to follow. Rest assured, that it all   
comes together in the end. Parts will be jumping around between   
Sunnydale and LA. There will be lots of UC pairings some slash. If   
this offends you don't read it.  
  
Feedback: Yes please. I love to hear that somebody enjoyed my   
stories, and constructive criticism will only make me improve. Thanks.  
  
  
Everything changes. It would really be easier if things just stayed   
the same. Less than a year ago things were so very different. I was a   
normal fourteen year old girl, no more, no less. I was the baby of   
the family. Okay, so I was kind of a brat, but that's what the baby   
is. The only thing unusual about my life was who my sister was. My   
big sister, she was something special, the slayer. But even that was   
no big deal really. She was good, the best. Vampires weren't even a   
challenge anymore. Basically she was living a pretty normal life,   
just slaying after dinner. I had some good friends at school and all   
of Buffy's friends were really cool. I wish it could be like that   
again. I wish I could have that back. Mom, Buffy, just being normal.   
But It's gone.   
  
In place of what passed for normal in my life, I have a world turned   
upside down. I've lost my school friends, they all thought I was   
crazy months ago when I cut myself, now I'm completely off the social   
scale. My family is dead. My sister's death ruled a suicide. I'm   
being raised by a single man, who used to be the school librarian,   
bet you can't guess the rumors around that one. My social life is   
ruined, forever I think. But on the other hand, I have the undying   
support of Willow and Tara. They are always there, no matter what I   
need. They really have held us all together, without them, we'd be so   
lost. I've got Giles, who tries real hard. He doesn't understand me,   
but he never really understood Buffy either. I guess that's normal, I   
mean he's never had kids, and it's not like he knows what it's like   
to be a teenaged girl. I've also got Spike and Xander and I really   
think they are the weirdest part of the whole mess. Giles says he   
thinks Spike made a promise to Buffy, a promise to protect me. I   
believe it. He hovers, he's worse than Giles really. He worries about   
me a lot. He wants to keep me safe, but I think it's hard for him. I   
don't think he likes spending time with me. It hurts somehow. Then   
there's Xander. We all thought he was losing it when Anya died too.   
He wouldn't talk to us. He didn't cry. Nothing seemed to touch him.   
We were all really surprised when he asked Spike to live with him. He   
said Spike had earned it. After a while, I think Spike worried more   
about Xander than he did about me, and that's what changed both of   
them. For a little more than a month now, Xander has been getting   
better. A demon almost killed him on patrol one night, and ever since   
then he's changed. He talks, he laughs, he cries. He's a part of us   
again. Neither one of them, will say what happened that night, but   
I'm sure it's something Spike did, that made Xander change. Everyone   
thinks I'm nuts, but I think something is going to happen with them.   
I've gotten real good at watching what goes on around me, I think   
it's a little sister thing. What I see is Xander, feeling something   
for the first time in months, and Spike being responsible for that.   
The other's I don't think have noticed, but the way they look at each   
other tells me something. Oh they'd both deny it right now, it's too   
soon, but I think they are falling in love. I know I'm just a kid,   
but I still think it's true.   
  
It's okay though. The changes work, I guess. All of our roles   
changed. Before Buffy died, Willow was the best friend and magic   
practitioner. Anyone could turn to Willow with a problem, but serious   
things always went to Giles or Buffy. You went to Willow for   
emotional stuff, and that was it. She still does both of those   
things, but she is so much more these days. She keeps us together. At   
first, I didn't want to see any of them, and I know Giles felt the   
same. We wanted to hide from the world. I think everyone did, but   
Willow wouldn't allow it, she made us stick together, and that's a   
good thing. She makes us stick together now too. I may be the one who   
started the patrolling and stuff, but Willow makes sure that we all   
get together on a regular basis. She's also kind of taken over on a   
lot of the research. Giles is tired, he can't do it all anymore.   
Willow took control and handles it better than anyone would have   
expected. Tara's role changed too. She was Willow's girlfriend and   
that's pretty much it. I mean none of us really knew her. We didn't   
try. She's smart and sensitive and none of us gave her credit for   
that. She's kind of our sounding board these days. Whether it's a   
plan of attack against a demon or just how to cope with all of the   
death and loss, Tara is who we turn to. She's been strong, a rock   
through all of this. Giles was so much to us before. He was a father   
figure for Buffy and I guess Willow and Xander too. He was also the   
smart one. He was who we turned to for answers about the next   
monster. He's not less now, just different. In the past months he's   
become a father to me, a somewhat clueless father, but a father none   
the less. I know Willow still thinks of him as a father, and I   
suspect that Xander does as well. For Tara I know he has become a   
trusted friend. Lots of times, I've had to remind them that there's   
something going on. They can talk for hours about almost anything,   
and Tara actually enjoys Giles' tea. He's a nurturer to us I guess.   
We still look to him for answers, but we don't make him do it by   
himself anymore. We ask Willow for the answers and she researches   
with help from Giles. So his role has changed too. What was Xander to   
us all before. He was a lot of things really, he was our comic   
relief. I know a lot of times, Buffy told me things would have been   
too hard, too dark, if she didn't have Xander to put all into   
perspective for her. He was a constant trial to Giles because of his   
immaturity, but he was more than that too. Xander was always there,   
no matter what needed to be done. Everyone tried to protect him, keep   
him out of things, but he wouldn't allow it. Giles once told me that   
Xander was Buffy's White Knight, and I had to go look it up.   
According to one of my English books, a white knight is a character   
out of legend or myth that makes sacrifices and risks his life for   
someone else, usually someone they love. They are usually ill-  
equipped for the battle, but they fight it anyway, whether or not   
they are recognized for that. Giles was right. Xander was Buffy's   
white knight. Out of everyone, I think the last months have changed   
him and his role the most. He isn't comic relief anymore. I don't   
think he remembers how to see the good in a situation. He's a   
pessimist now, he'd call himself a realist, but I can't help thinking   
that somehow he's lost something in changing his point of view. He   
still fights, he fights harder than ever, but it's not the same for   
him anymore. I hope this will change. I hope that someday, Spike can   
bring Xander back to us. Speaking of Spike, maybe I was wrong, maybe   
it's his role that's changed the most. I remember hearing stories   
about Spike, I was just a kid, but Buffy said he was scary. I never   
really saw him though, not until he came back. Well, I guess if I   
think about it, I never really saw him at all, but my memories tell   
me something else. I remember how pathetic he was when he first came   
to us for help. I felt sorry for him, Buffy had told me he was bad   
and dangerous, but all I saw was this lost person. Everything had   
changed for him, and he didn't know how to deal with it, so he   
snapped and was just generally unpleasant. Later he helped us for   
money, nothing more and nothing less. And later still he fell in love   
with my sister. I never could figure out, what she had that made   
everyone fall for her, but they did. Xander loved her, Angel loved   
her, Riley loved her, and then Spike loved her. That changed   
everything for him, but not for us. We were mean and horrible and   
just plain cruel to him when we found out. Looking back, I can't   
figure out why he didn't just give us up then. He could have. He knew   
about me. Instead he let Glory nearly kill him. I think that's when   
his role started to shift. Buffy still didn't trust him, but she had   
to respect him. She changed in the way she treated him, so the rest   
of us did too. Then when she died, he was devastated, and Xander   
demanded that we respect him. Now he watches over us all. He protects   
us, in a lot of ways he does what Buffy always did. He takes it upon   
himself to make sure that we are okay. That was her job. It keeps him   
together I guess, keeps him sane, taking care of someone. Xander   
needs a lot of taking care of, I hope Spike is up for the job.  
  
I guess that brings us to me. I've changed a lot. I used to be just a   
kid, like any other kid. Then I was the key, I still don't know quite   
what that is, but for a while, it seemed like that was all I was. Now   
I'm some of both I guess. I'm normal, I'm human anyway. Somewhere   
inside there's still the key though. I don't know what that means,   
but I'm going to find out. I'm not really a kid anymore either. I've   
had to grow up real quick. I have responsibilities now, I have to   
take care of them. Buffy left a world behind that needs taking care   
of, she did that for me. Now, I have to do something for her. Luckily   
I've got help, the best help anyone has ever had. Sure, everything   
changes, but for the first time, I'm beginning to think that might   
just be okay. 


	6. Happy News

Title: Happy News  
  
Series: Moving On part 6  
  
Author: DarkChilde princess220@alltel.net or   
darkchilde78@ididitmyway.com  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Spoiler Warning: Through the Gift and There's No Place Like Plrtz   
Glrb. Don't read this if you don't want to know how the season ended.  
  
Summary: Willow has some news. Xander reacts badly. Series will   
involve slash pairings.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Everything else belongs to   
Joss, ME, and other individuals and corporate entities. No profit is   
made. No copyright infringement intended.  
  
Distribution: The Dreams & Musings website. UCSL. Any other list   
archives can have it. If anyone else wants it just ask.  
  
Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who has sent feedback so far. This   
series might be a little hard to follow. Rest assured, that it all   
comes together in the end. Parts will be jumping around between   
Sunnydale and LA. There will be lots of UC pairings some slash. If   
this offends you don't read it.  
  
Feedback: Yes please. I love to hear that somebody enjoyed my   
stories, and constructive criticism will only make me improve. Thanks.  
  
  
Willow was happy. A few months ago, she would have thought that to be   
impossible. They'd all been through more than could reasonably be   
expected of people. But today, she was truly happy. Tara had asked   
her to share her life, forever. It had been a proposal, Willow was   
going to have a wedding. Sure, it wouldn't be recognized by the   
state, but she would know she was married, and so would her friends,   
her family. That was what was important. That's what marriage was   
really about, a public commitment to another person. She needed to   
tell the others. She had arranged a meeting at the magic shop that   
night. She and Tara would give their news there. Willow wondered how   
everyone would take it. She knew that Dawn and Giles would be happy   
for her, though she imagined she'd see that look from Giles. The one   
that wished for simpler times, when they were all still children. She   
didn't supposed, they'd ever really be grown up in Giles eyes. Spike   
would undoubtedly make rude comments in front of the group, but tell   
her later, how great her news was. It was Xander she was worried   
about. He would have been married by now, if Anya had lived. She was   
sure of that. With Buffy gone, they would have married soon. It was   
life-affirming. So how would he take her news. He would be glad that   
she was happy, she knew that. Xander had loved her all of his life,   
even if not always as much as she had wanted him too. But would he   
also maybe be a little bit bitter, that she was allowed what had been   
denied to him. She hoped not, but she would probably never know   
either way. A few months earlier they had almost lost him. There was   
a horrible demon, that he tried to fight. He and Spike would have   
died, if she and Tara had not shown up just barely in time to kill   
the demon with a spell. Xander had changed since that fight. After   
Anya's death, he had been so cold, and closed off. She couldn't get   
through to him, no one could. He was more open now, but he still   
wouldn't talk about what had happened with her. He was happier, even   
his easy banter had begun to return, but he still didn't let anyone   
inside. She suspected that Spike was responsible for the change. He   
had taken care of Xander in ways that none of the rest of them could.   
Xander trusted the vampire, and Willow knew that Xander's trust was   
not an easy thing to gain. Maybe she would talk to Spike, just to   
make sure, that Xander was okay with her news.   
  
Just after sunset, everyone gathered at the magic shop. There was   
nothing unusual about this, except they were not here to prepare for   
patrol. Willow had called them here, and no one knew why. Well, it   
was assumed that Tara knew, but no one else. "Willow why don't you   
tell us, why we're here." Giles gently prodded the girl. He knew this   
must be important.  
  
"Okay, Tara and I have something we wanted to tell you. Last night,   
she asked me to be with her forever. I said I would. We re going to   
have a commitment ceremony in a few months. I want you all to help me   
plan. Oh, I'm so happy. And I'm babbling. I really should stop   
babbling." Willow was indeed babbling. She was so excited, but a   
little nervous as well. She looked around the room, trying to gauge   
the reactions of her friends. Dawn was smiling serenely, as if she   
had known what was going to be said all along. Giles looked a bit   
stunned. Spike had flashed a huge smile, before he hid it behind his   
usual mask of indifference. Xander was unreadable. He had perfected   
that blank look in the months since Anya's death. She didn't like   
seeing it now.   
  
Dawn finally broke, the silence. "That's incredible Willow. You're   
going to let me help pick out the dresses, and the flowers and   
everything right? I've always wanted to help plan a wedding. Can I be   
your bridesmaid?" She jumped up from her seat as she was speaking.   
She ran over and gave first Willow and then Tara giant hugs.   
  
Tara hugged Dawn back and replied, "Of course you can help Dawn.   
We'll need all the help we can get."  
  
Willow added. "You have to be a bridesmaid. Oh, Dawnie, I'm so happy.   
I'm getting married, can you believe it?" She turned and looked at   
the rest of the room. She decided she'd start with Giles, he should   
be the easiest to deal with of the three. "Giles, you'll be there   
won't you. I haven't told my parents yet, and I'm not sure how they   
will react. If my father says no, I'd like it if you gave me away.   
These past years, you have been more a father to me, than he has   
anyway."   
  
Tears came to Giles eyes as he crossed the room to hug the girl he   
saw as a daughter. "Of course, I'll be there. I wouldn't miss it for   
the world, Willow. I hope your father will come, but I would be   
honored to take his place if he does not."  
  
"Thank you Giles. Xander, what about you? Are you okay with this?   
We'll wait if it's too soon, if it will hurt too much to go to   
someone else's wedding. I'm saying all of this very badly, but I   
wanted you to know, we'd wait if you need us to Xander." Willow's   
voice was pleading, not so much for an assurance that it was okay, as   
for a response, any response at all.  
  
Xander walked over to where Willow and Tara stood, "I want you to be   
happy. I love you both." By this time, tears were running down his   
face. "I can't...can't talk about this now." Xander turned and   
quickly left the room waling out of the magic shop.   
  
Willow started after him, but felt a restraining hand on her   
shoulder. "Let me talk to him Red. By the way for the record, I'm   
glad you and the shy one are going to tie the knot." Spike started   
towards the door.   
  
Willow called after him, "Spike" She waited to see that he   
turned. "Will he be okay with this, you think?"  
  
"Of course he will Luv. He just needs some time to deal with it."   
Spike spoke gently, knowing how much potential there was in Xander's   
responses to hurt the young witch.  
  
It was Tara who responded to him. "Thank you, Spike. Take care of   
him."  
  
Spike turned and walked out the door, rushing to catch up to Xander.   
Inside, Willow, Tara, and Giles spoke quietly amongst themselves,   
while Dawn migrated to front window to see if she could see what   
happened when Spike caught up to Xander. She did, Spike caught Xander   
just barely within her view, another few steps, and the dark of the   
night would have swallowed them up. As it was she saw, Spike reach   
out and grab at Xander's arm, and Xander spin around. He looked angry   
at that moment, but as soon as he realized it was Spike, his face   
softened.  
  
Spike pulled Xander closer to him, wrapping his arms around the   
brunettes body, holding him, offering comfort. Xander cried, he   
simply cried. He hadn't expected this. He had known of course, that   
someday Willow and Tara would get married. He had expected that, what   
he had not expected was his own reaction to it. He expected to be   
happy for them, and he was really he was, but there were also a whole   
bunch of other emotions he was feeling over this. He was a little   
angry and a little jealous, that Willow and Tara were able to   
continue their lives, while he and Anya could not.   
  
"Tell me what's wrong, luv." Spike stroked Xander's hair, as he asked   
the question.  
  
"I don't know, I just. I can't talk about it right now, okay Spike."   
Xander sounded hurt and confused, a little bit lost, and as bad as   
that was, it was preferable to the emptiness that Spike had once   
heard in his voice.  
  
"I'm afraid, that's not okay, Xander. You need to talk about it, and   
I know you. If I let you get away with not talking now, you won't do   
it at all. Now tell me, what's wrong. Don't you want the girls to be   
happy." Spike kept his voice soft, but firm.   
  
Xander responded immediately, angry that Spike would even suggest he   
didn't want his friends to be happy. "Of course I do. I've always   
wanted Willow to be happy, always. But, you know, it's just hard. I   
thought I was going to be the first of us married. And now, it's not   
going to happen at all. I guess a part of me still feels like if Anya   
can't have it, then why should anyone else be able to."  
  
"Okay, that's kind of what I thought. I wish there was something I   
could do to make that less hard, but there isn't. The only thing I   
can do is be here now. I think you need to talk to Willow. It's not   
her fault after all, don't punish her for this. Talk to her. Okay."   
  
Xander simply nodded against Spike's shoulder, still crying. He   
allowed Spike to hold him close, not even flinching when he felt the   
vampire, brush a light kiss against his temple. Xander wondered when   
exactly it was, that this became normal for him. When did it become   
normal to allow another man, a vampire, formerly one of his enemies,   
to hold him. He didn't know, but he was glad it had. Never in entire   
life, had anyone ever comforted him. As a child his father had always   
told him that real men didn't cry. He was never offered comfort for   
his tears, only punishment. His mother might have comforted him, but   
she was scared of what his father would do. He had never been able to   
bring himself to cry with his friends. He protected and comforted   
them, not the other way around. It felt nice to be held, to be   
comforted. He was glad he had allowed Spike to take that role in his   
life. "Thanks Spike, let's go home. I'll talk to Willow tomorrow I   
promise."   
  
Spike nodded and pulled away from Xander. They didn't speak as they   
turned towards home.  
  
Dawn had watched this all at the window to the magic shop. She knew   
the others didn't believe her, but she was positive that they were   
beginning to fall in love. She just knew it. Oh well, when if finally   
happened, everyone else could be shocked, and she could say 'I told   
you so.'  
  
The group talked for a little bit more. Willow agreed to go shopping   
with Dawn the next afternoon. She had thought they would start   
looking at dresses and stuff, but Dawn quickly corrected that   
idea. "No, you can't start looking at that stuff, until after you've   
studied all of the wedding magazines. You have to have ideas first."   
So it seemed they would be shopping for magazines, and then going   
through those. She was glad that Dawn was so enthusiastic. At least   
she was happy about this.  
  
A short time later everyone went home. The next morning, very early   
Willow's phone rang. She was always a little nervous when she got a   
phone call either late at night or early in the morning. Something   
bad may have happened, so she answered with a little bit of concern   
coloring her voice. "Hello"  
  
"Willow, uhm, I'm not really sure, what to say. I'm sorry about last   
night. Do you want to maybe get together today. Just you and me, we   
haven't done that in a long time." Xander sounded nervous and unsure.  
  
Willow was just happy that he had called. "Of course, Xander. Don't   
worry about last night, I know it must be hard for you. When do you   
want to get together. Dawnie and I are going to do some things when   
she gets out of school today. I don't have any classes after noon   
though. Do you want to have lunch with me."   
  
"Lunch would be great Willow. Wherever you want to go. Noon is fine,   
I've got a few days off. We're between projects right now." Xander   
was starting to sound more like his old self.  
  
"How about pizza, there's that great place downtown, we used to go   
there when we were kids. It's where all the cool birthday parties and   
stuff were."   
  
"Sure, I know where you mean. I'll meet you there okay." Xander was a   
little relieved to have at least this much done. Now he didn't have   
to worry about it again for another several hours.   
  
A little over five hours later, Xander was sitting in the pizza   
parlor, waiting on Willow. He was early, unusual in itself, and he   
was starting to slide into memories. There was a group of children in   
the back room, he could hear them. They were probably hear for a   
birthday party. He couldn't even remember all of the parties he'd   
attended as a child, but there had been many of them. That was before   
parties became exclusive, when parents still made you invite everyone   
in your class. He supposed it really hadn't been that long ago. The   
last party here that he remembered he'd gone to in the 6th grade, so   
what a little more than eight years, but it seemed so very long ago.   
Back then the world was safe, well, relatively so anyway. Sure his   
homelife hadn't been ideal, but he didn't know that the monsters were   
real. He'd believed himself grown up. Far too old to believe in   
monsters. Funny, most people had managed to continue believing that   
over the years. It wasn't even so much that he'd seen more than they   
had. He had, but still. Graduation day alone, should have convinced a   
good portion of town into believing in the monsters, but they didn't.   
They managed to build some kind of wall that kept that even separate   
from their everyday life. Some days he envied them that.  
  
Xander was still lost in thought when Willow arrived. She stood near   
the table and watched him for just a moment. He seemed almost happy,   
a little wistful, but happy. That was the expression on his face. She   
hadn't seen him look happy since Buffy and Anya had died. He'd   
stopped looking so blank, but he still never seemed quite able to   
reach happy. It was good to see that look. Finally she walked over to   
him. "Hey Xander, sorry I'm late. You seem good."   
  
Xander flashed her a quick smile, so similar to his old expressions,   
she almost cried. It was beautiful. "Hi Wills, no problem. I went   
ahead and ordered. Pepperoni with extra cheese. Should be out in a   
few more minutes." Xander was trying to keep at least this early part   
of the conversation light.   
  
"That sounds great. What were you thinking about when I got here?"   
Willow wouldn't press the issue, but she wanted to see if he would   
answer.  
  
Xander took a moment to answer, collecting his thoughts. When he did   
speak it was in careful measured tones. "I was thinking about when we   
were kids. How sure we were that the monsters weren't real. I was   
thinking about how most of the people here still believe that, and   
how different our lives would be if we still believed it too."  
  
Willow had thought about such things a time or two herself. "It would   
have been different. Sometimes I think it would be better that way,   
to not know what's out there. You could live a normal life. But think   
about how much we would lose, by having been like them. So many   
friends and good times would have never come into our lives that way.   
I'm glad we know about the monsters, because that means we get to   
know about the people who fight the monsters too, and some days we   
even get to be one of those people. That's a good thing." Willow's   
voice held a quiet conviction.   
  
Xander opened his mouth to answer her, but the pizza arrived at that   
instant. Instead he said, "Let's eat." And they did. They talked   
about little things, catching up on each other's lives. Willow told   
Xander about her classes, and Xander talked about his work. They both   
carefully avoided the topic of Willow's upcoming wedding. They'd deal   
with that later.  
  
Later when they had finished their pizza and eaten some ice cream as   
well, Xander finally said what he'd come here to say. "I'm sorry I   
reacted so badly last night Willow." Willow looked like she was going   
to interrupt him, so Xander reached a hand out and grasped hers while   
saying. "Please, don't interrupt, just let me finish this okay."   
Willow nodded and he continued, "I want you to be happy. I hope you   
know that. I know I haven't always done a real good job of showing   
it, but that's one of the few things I've ever really wanted. I know   
that Tara makes you happy. That should make me happy about your   
marrying her. I mean it stands to reason, makes good logical sense   
and all. It's not quite that easy though. On some level, I am happy,   
but on another one, I'm a little angry and a whole lot jealous. I'm   
angry that Anya's chance to be a bride was taken away from her, and   
I'm jealous that I don't get to have what you have. Last night, that   
stuff just got the best of me. I probably wouldn't have worked it all   
out, but Spike made me talk about it. Made me realize, how unfair I   
was being to you. I'm going to try to remember that I want you happy   
and this makes you happy, okay. Don't expect miracles, I may lose it   
from time to time. I may cry, and I may even say things I don't   
really mean, but deep down inside, I'm glad you found her, and I'm   
glad that she loves you. Are we okay?"  
  
Willow squeezed his hand, tears in her eyes. She answered him   
softly. "I know you want me to be happy Xander, and I am happy, very   
happy. I know this has got to be difficult for you, but remember we   
are all here, and we all love you. I just want you to know I'm here   
to help you Xander. Spike isn't the only one who wants to help, okay?"  
  
Xander laughed a little at this last. "Yeah, I know Wills. It just   
seems easier with Spike somehow. With Giles I feel like I'm intruding   
on his pain somehow. Dawn is really too young, and you and Tara are   
so much to each other. You are also happy, I don't want to ruin that   
for you. It's different with Spike. He hurts too, but it seems to   
help him when I talk. It's strange. Like somehow taking care of me,   
makes losing Buffy less painful for him. Besides, he won't let me   
hide when things get rough. He always makes me talk, whether I want   
to or not."  
  
Willow smiled, she remembered how Dawn had been insisting for the   
last couple of weeks that something more than simple friendship   
existed between Spike and Xander. Maybe she was right, not   
necessarily that they were in love, but that they needed each other.   
Whatever their relationship, Willow was glad that they had each   
other. "I'm glad he's there for you Xander. Just remember, I've been   
your best friend since pre-school, that means calls in the middle of   
the night, or crying fits on my shoulder are both okay. That's what   
best friends are for. This has been really good. We need to make a   
point to do this more often. Don't you think?"  
  
"Absolutely. Maybe I could get together with you and Tara sometime   
too. I really don't know her as well as I should, considering she is   
marrying my best friend and all." Xander's tone was back to being   
light. He seemed upbeat and happy right now. Willow only hoped this   
would last.  
  
"Sure, but also some just us time. I'd like to maybe spend a little   
social time with Spike too. You know, you are really the only one   
he's friends with. I'd like that to change." Willow really did hope   
that she and Spike could be friends. She'd at least like to know him.   
She wanted to see who it was that could bring her best friend back to   
her.  
  
"Great, I'm sure he'd like that. Sometime, next week, okay. I'll   
call."  
  
"You'd better." Willow stood up ready to leave. "I've got to go, but   
we won't let things go so long next time okay."  
  
"No we won't. I am happy for you Willow. Talk to you later." Xander   
watched her go. He knew that he had managed to repair that friendship   
once again. He was glad, he didn't think he could handle losing one   
more person in his life. He smiled faintly at the idea of Willow and   
Tara trying to entertain Spike. He'd almost pay good money to see how   
that went. 


	7. A Fun Night

Title: A Fun Night  
  
Series: Moving On part 7  
  
Author: DarkChilde princess220@alltel.net or   
darkchilde78@ididitmyway.com  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoiler Warning: Through the Gift and There's No Place Like Plrtz   
Glrb. Don't read this if you don't want to know how the season ended.  
  
Summary: Willow and Tara entertain Spike and Xander, then speculate   
on their relationship. Series will involve slash pairings.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Everything else belongs to   
Joss, ME, and other individuals and corporate entities. No profit is   
made. No copyright infringement intended.  
  
Distribution: The Dreams & Musings website. UCSL. Any other list   
archives can have it. If anyone else wants it just ask.  
  
Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who has sent feedback so far. This   
series might be a little hard to follow. Rest assured, that it all   
comes together in the end. Parts will be jumping around between   
Sunnydale and LA. There will be lots of UC pairings some slash. If   
this offends you don't read it.  
  
Feedback: Yes please. I love to hear that somebody enjoyed my   
stories, and constructive criticism will only make me improve. Thanks.  
  
  
Xander was in a good mood. Probably the best mood he'd been in since   
Anya's death. He didn't really know why. Not much had changed. Buffy   
and Anya were still just as dead as they ever were. His life was   
pretty much the same as it had been. But it felt different. He had   
started rebuilding a relationship with his best friend over the last   
couple of weeks. He didn't really know if they would ever get back   
what they had, but that was okay. They had something new now. He had   
also gained a new best friend. He didn't think, he would ever say   
those words about a vampire. After all, he had been the one to argue   
that Angel was evil because he was a vampire. Spike didn't even have   
a soul. But, he had proved himself, over and over again. He had   
earned Xander's trust and respect, first in enduring torture for Dawn   
and Buffy, second for fighting what was a very very costly battle,   
and finally for sticking around afterwards, and not abandoning them.   
It was later that he gained Xander's friendship. The friendship came   
when Spike forced Xander back into a world of feelings. It came when   
Spike held Xander after a particularly brutal nightmare. The   
friendship was personal. Over the years, Xander had forgiven Angel   
for the trouble he had brought into all of their lives, but he knew   
he would never claim friendship with the man. Respect yes, trust   
possibly, but never friendship. And today, his new best friend was   
going to go with him to see his old best friend and her lover. It   
wasn't as if they didn't all know each other, but their social   
interaction had been limited. Xander had been so very wrapped up in   
Anya and later in her death, that he had never really taken the time   
to know Tara. Neither girl had spent much time with Spike. They had   
developed the trust and respect through the same actions that Xander   
had, but friendship was still not something they were ready to   
extend. He hoped this would bring them all together. But at the very   
least, it should be amusing.   
  
"C'mon Spike. We're supposed to be there in twenty minutes." Xander   
called out.  
  
"I'm coming, I'm coming. What exactly are we doing at this little get   
together anyway?" Spike asked.   
  
"Don't know, Willow didn't say, just asked if we wanted to get   
together." Xander had a good idea of what they would all be doing,   
but it was so much fun to bait Spike.  
  
Spike growled just a little, he was nervous. It wouldn't do to let   
anyone else know that, but he was. He had really never spent any time   
with the others except for fighting demons and the such. He was a   
little unsure of just how he should behave. "You better not be   
getting me into anything stupid, Xander."   
  
"Don't worry Spike, I'm sure the girls made every effort to plan   
around you. Should be a blast. Now come on, let's go." Xander grabbed   
Spike by the hand and pulled him out the door. They were running   
late, of course Willow would expect him to be late, so it really   
wasn't any big deal.  
  
"All right, all right I'm coming." Spike grumbled, following after   
Xander.  
  
Twenty minutes later they were sitting in the living room of Tara and   
Willow's brand new apartment. There were still some boxes left   
sitting around unpacked. "I wish you had called us, Willow. I would   
have helped you move your stuff you know." Xander was talking to   
Willow. It was a discussion they'd been having for the last week.  
  
"I know you would have, Xander, but you were at work, and I just   
wanted to get it done. We had plenty of help, really. Now stop   
fussing. Tara's almost finished with Dinner, and after we have a   
couple of movies to watch. Okay?"  
  
"That'll be great Willow. What movies?" This was pretty much what he   
had been expecting for them to do, so he wasn't surprised. He was   
curious at how Willow had managed to reconcile their own movie tastes   
with Spike though.  
  
"Oh, well, Tara and I weren't really sure what to get so we rented   
four of them and figured we'd let you guys decide. They are over on   
the TV. I'm just going to go help Tara finish up." Willow scurried   
off to the kitchen. It was obvious tonight was making her nervous.   
Xander wasn't sure, if that had more to do with his getting to know   
Tara or the fact that Spike was socializing with them.  
  
"Well, pet, what do you say we have a look at the movies. See what   
the witches picked out for us, that ought to be interesting at   
least." Spike too seemed a little nervous as he went to retrieve the   
movies.  
  
He pulled them out of the bag they were still in, and handed them to   
Xander one at a time. "First, we've got something called Shallow   
Grave, know what that one's about pet."   
  
Xander laughed, surprised that Willow would choose that movie. He had   
watched it with her a few years back, and they had both thought it   
rather twisted. Maybe that was why, she thought Spike would enjoy   
it. "Sure can. There's a bunch of roommates, one of them dies, and   
they find lots of money. They do away with the body and keep the   
money. It gets really really twisted. You'd probably like it. Watched   
it with Willow a few years back, she got it because it had Ewan   
McGregor in it, what's next?"  
  
"Grosse Point Blank, isn't that the film about the hit-men?" Spike   
asked as he handed it over to Xander.  
  
"Yep. This is one of my favorite movies. There seems to be a trend   
here, comedy, but with killing." Xander was actually pretty impressed   
at Willow's skill at picking out movies.  
  
"Red had some pretty good ideas. Next one's A Clockwork Orange. Never   
took the time to see the movie. Kubrick was always a little esoteric   
for my taste, they gave Dru nightmares anyway. Read the book, back   
when it first came out though. Not bad." Spike had actually enjoyed   
the book quite a bit. Very rarely did words capture raw violence   
well, this book had been an exception.  
  
"Yeah, his stuff is always a little surreal. This is one of Willow's   
favorites though. Never quite understood that." Willow had spent   
hours picking apart all of the little "philosophical implications"   
her words, of the film. He had sat and listened to her, but most of   
it had gone right over his head. He'd even listened when she later   
read the book, the UK version, apparently they were different, and   
had so many complaints about how the movie warped the premise of the   
book. Maybe Spike would understand what she had been talking about.   
  
"Last one, Go. Looks kind of familiar. So what do you want to watch."   
Spike thought the movie selection looked pretty good. He could live   
with any of these.  
  
"I don't know. I've already seen all of them, but my favorites were   
Grosse Point Blank and probably Shallow Grave. What do you think."  
  
"Well, I haven't actually seen any of them but Grosse Point Blank, it   
was a pretty good film though. Let's watch that one. What do you   
think the girls would most want to see." Spike wanted to make sure   
that they watched something that Willow and Tara would like too.  
  
"I'm sure, Willow is hoping to get us to watch Clockwork Orange. I   
can't imagine Tara being too impressed by Shallow Grave, but then I   
don't really know her all that well. They'd both probably like Go,   
but it's the one I least want to watch."   
  
"Okay, I'll give Kubrick another shot I suppose. He does tend to   
allow lots of blood in his movies. Could be interesting."   
  
"Of course, you must have loved The Shining, the hallway that filled   
up with blood, that gave Willow and I nightmares for weeks. Of course   
we were eight." Xander laughed then.  
  
"Nah, blood didn't look at all real in that part. Still, it was a fun   
idea." Spike laughed too.   
  
"Hey, guys, dinner is ready." Willow called them to the dining area.   
  
"So what did the lovely Tara cook for us this evening." Xander used   
his best charming voice.  
  
"Steak, onion rings, and this great vegetable thing she does."   
Willow's voice rang with pride. Tara was an excellent cook, and she   
would finally get to show that to her friends.  
  
"Mmmm real food. I haven't had any real food in ages. Thanks Wills."   
Xander was reassuring, knowing that Willow was a little nervous at   
doing a grown-up kind of dinner for the first time.  
  
"She made mine rare right." Spike asked.  
  
"She did, everyone else got medium well." Willow answered.  
  
Tara brought out the food. They enjoyed light conversation over the   
meal. Xander worked hard at trying to draw the shyer girl out. He   
learned that she had been an avid fan of Zelazny's Amber Chronicles.   
Those were some of his favorite books growing up, so they did have   
some things in common. Willow chatted easily with everyone, including   
Spike. At first he was a little guarded. He'd always been the Big Bad   
to these people, and he didn't know how he felt about let that   
reputation slip. Willow was very interested in literature, and most   
of her favorite books, Spike had read at some time or another in the   
past hundred years. He had always read, being a vampire didn't take   
away that desire, just added some new ones. A true romantic at heart,   
some of his favorite books had been written by the Russians and the   
French. He still owned copies of nearly all of Alexandre Dumas' work,   
as well as quite a bit of Victor Hugo, Dostoyevsky, Tolstoy, and   
Cervantes. He had loved the biting wit of authors like Voltaire or   
Jonathan Swift. As a new age brought a different kind of more cynical   
literature, he learned to love authors like, Kurt Vonnegut, Orwell,   
Anthony Burgess, and numerous others. Willow's own love of reading   
matched his quite well, and they discovered they could talk rather   
easily about books. It impressed Spike, that like himself, Willow had   
read most of the books in their original languages. He had never   
realized she had that background. This dinner had definitely worked   
out. They had all discovered things in common, and were on the way to   
becoming friends and not just acquaintances. Willow and Xander were   
quite pleased.  
  
It was time to watch their movies. "What do you think guys do we have   
time for two." Willow asked. It was getting late already, and she   
didn't want to keep them here all night.  
  
"I don't have to work tomorrow Willow, so I'm good for two movies if   
you want. Spike?"  
  
"I'm a vampire, pet. I don't sleep at night. Well, I shouldn't   
anyway. Two is fine." Spike answered, allowing just a touch of his   
trademark sarcasm to show through.  
  
"So what did you guys choose?" Tara's soft voice gently inquires.  
  
"Well, Grosse Point Blank is like my favorite movie of all time, and   
Spike liked it so that has to be one of them. We thought maybe A   
Clockwork Orange for the second one. Spike read the book, and I   
thought maybe I'd understand it all better the second time around."   
Xander answered her.   
  
"Kubrick was never easy for me either. Willow really likes his work   
though. I adore John Cusack. Let's watch Grosse Point Blank first. I   
won't feel nearly as bad, if I fall asleep during A Clockwork   
Orange." Tara had never said so much at one time. Not to someone   
other than her family or Willow anyway. A blush had crept up her   
cheeks as she spoke, but her voice remained steady.   
  
"Thanks Tara. Sounds like a plan." Willow gave her girlfriend an   
encouraging smile.  
  
This strange and disparate group watched their movies. It turns out   
they were all talkers, they chatted and made obnoxious comments   
throughout both movies. They ate popcorn in massive quantities.   
Xander would have bet it was impossible for Willow and Tara to   
consume the amount they did. Spike grossed them all out, by dipping   
his in blood. Tara and Xander discussed John Cusack's relative   
coolness in this movie as compared to his others. They agreed that   
this movie definitely gave him the best wardrobe, and frequently the   
best lines. Later in A Clockwork Orange, Willow and Spike got into a   
heated discussion over the symbolism in the story. The one thing they   
did agree on was that the UK release of the book was better, than the   
US release or the movie.   
  
"Bloody Americans, manage to ruin all our best things they do." Spike   
was somewhat annoyed.  
  
"I know, the change in ending completely changes the message. The   
story is so very different when told this way." Willow added. And off   
they went.   
  
Tara and Xander just looked at each other. Xander knew that Willow   
could continue on in this vein for hours, and he had a feeling that   
Tara understood that too. He asked her, "Do you want to maybe get   
some ice cream or something. I think I need to get out of the   
crossfire for a little while. They could be at this for hours."  
  
"Sure, we've got Chocolate and Mint chocolate chip." Tara heads   
towards the kitchen, Xander following along closely behind. "Which   
one do you want, Xander?"  
  
"Oooh, decisions, decisions. Tell you what, how about you give me a   
little of each?" Xander replies.  
  
"Okay, sounds good, I think that's what I'll do too." Tara gets out   
bowls and spoons and proceeds to dish up two gigantic bowls of ice   
cream.   
  
Xander looks at his in awe. Nobody had ever made a better dish of ice   
cream. He and Tara ate, and talked about the various Sci-Fi and   
Fantasy books and TV shows they had read and watched. It seemed they   
shared many common favorites. In addition to the Amber books that   
they had already talked about, they were both fans of Guy Gavriel   
Kay, particularly the Fionavar Tapestry. They also had enjoyed   
Saberhagen's Lost Swords books. In television they tended to lean   
towards Science Fiction. Tara had always loved watching Twilight Zone   
reruns, while Xander preferred The Outer Limits. They had both   
enjoyed more recent series like G vs E. They also shared the common   
conviction that all good Sci-Fi produced today was destined to die a   
quick death, while the junk lived on.  
  
After they had finished their ice cream, they stuck their heads out   
to see if Willow and Spike were finished discussing the movie yet.   
They weren't and Xander wasn't too tired yet, so they retreated to   
the kitchen once again. This time Tara opened with a different kind   
of question. "Would you tell me about Spike? I mean before he came   
back. Willow won't really talk about it. She says it's not important   
what he was. I guess she's right, but I'd like to at least know." Her   
words held genuine curiosity and no malice, so Xander didn't hesitate   
in answering her.  
  
"Spike was one of the scariest vampires I had ever seen. He came to   
Sunnydale during our Junior year of high school. Drusilla, she is a   
childe of Angel's and Spike's sire, was hurt somehow. Spike knew a   
ritual to save her, but it required her sire's blood. He loved her,   
so he brought her here. Spike has also killed two slayers in his   
time. He thought about adding Buffy to the list while he was here. He   
tried but couldn't ever kill her. He was scary. He was smart and   
strong, really strong, compared to the fledges we were used to. He   
healed Dru, and not long after was when Angel lost his soul. Angel   
went back to them, they were his family after all. I think from what   
Spike has said, that Angelus wasn't nice at all, not even to his   
family. Spike by the way, was in a wheelchair, an organ dropped on   
him. Anyway, he and Dru, left when Buffy was fighting with Angel. The   
next time we saw Spike was our Senior year. Dru had left him. Spike   
was a mess, he was really really drunk, and really upset. He   
kidnapped Willow, said she had to do a spell for him. I was with her   
so he took me too. She sent him after supplies and he never came   
back. We found out later that he had met up with Angel and Buffy.   
They had fought some other vampires. I also heard that he met Buffy's   
mom while he was out. We didn't see him again until last year. Buffy   
almost killed him. The next time any of us saw him, he had the chip.   
He had actually tried to attack Willow, it was right after Oz left.   
He's been different ever since, and changing by the day." Xander had   
related Spike's history with an almost clinical detachment. He truly   
didn't believe that Spike today was the same person that Spike from   
nearly four years ago was. Maybe they shared qualities, their   
capacity for love, their passion for life (or unlife as the case may   
be) But they weren't the same.  
  
"Wow, now I know why Willow didn't want to tell me. Sounds like he   
was pretty scary." Tara had allowed a measure of fear to creep into   
her voice.  
  
"Yeah, I know. Just remember, it's all in the past. He wouldn't ever   
hurt any of us now. He's different, changed."   
  
"I know that. I can't imagine Spike ever hurting us. Other people,   
maybe but not any of us. He's so very gentle with Dawn, and you   
especially. A creature who is simply evil can't act that way." It is   
clear from both Tara's words and voice that she does understand.   
Spike is different.  
  
"Good. Well, as fun as this has been, I think it's time to break the   
two of them up. I need to get some sleep tonight, and if we wait to   
much longer, it will be dawn and Spike will be stuck here." Xander   
really was getting tired.  
  
Tara nodded. The two of them went out to the living room determined   
to stop the discussion. Tara went over to Willow and whispered   
something into her ear. Xander went to Spike and told him it was time   
to go. Spike looked like he might argue, but Willow quickly   
interjected, "That's right. It's getting late. We'll have to do this   
again. Bye Spike, Xander."  
  
Xander couldn't resist so he asked, "What did Tara say to you?"  
  
Willow simply blushed looking for a reply. Spike laughed and said one   
last thing before leaving with Xander. "It's always the quiet ones."  
  
With Xander and Spike gone, Willow and Tara sat down on the living   
room couch. "That went well. I never expected Spike to be quite so   
well read." Willow was still riding a high from their discussion.  
  
"Yeah, it was fun. Xander and I have a lot in common actually." Tara   
answered her.  
  
"Have you heard what Dawn says about them. She thinks they are   
falling in love. I keep telling her she's being ridiculous, what do   
you think?" Willow really does want to know what Tara thinks about   
this. She had never seen any indications before, but Spike and Xander   
obviously did share some kind of bond. Was she just being blind,   
because Xander was her oldest and dearest friend, or was there really   
nothing to see.  
  
"I heard her mention that theory to Giles once. I thought he might   
choke to death on his tea. She really will be the death of that man.   
I don't know. She could be right, though I don't think either of them   
even realizes it's happening. I didn't see anything big, but just   
little things. They could be explained away by their backgrounds and   
friendship, but they might not be. They touch a lot. I know that   
seems to be a kind of defense for Xander, like he has to make sure   
the people he cares about are still there, still real. Spike might   
have the same kinds of issues, I just don't know. Either way, it   
shows they are closer than I would have thought. Also there is just   
the way they talk about each other. Spike talks about Xander as   
though he is the bravest, kindest being to ever live. And when Xander   
talks about Spike, it's clear just how much he trusts him. He doesn't   
just believe that Spike will never turn on us, he knows it right down   
to his soul. We trust him, but if the chip came out today, I'm sure   
that all of us but Xander would get a little wary, well maybe not   
Dawn, but definitely not Xander. Because he knows that Spike won't   
hurt him. That kind of trust doesn't often exist between two people   
who are just friends. I don't know if their relationship will ever be   
romantically inclined, but I kind of hope so."  
  
"You do? Why?"  
  
"I think they are good for each other. They both need something,   
someone to keep them grounded. Buffy and Anya did perform that role,   
they already seem to be doing that for each other. Spike seems to   
bring out a happiness in Xander, I don't think I've ever seen, a   
contentment. It's like he's really comfortable with who he is for the   
first time. And Xander brings out a gentleness in Spike. They are so   
very different, but I think they understand each other. It's strange,   
but I would say they already seem to belong to one another. They need   
to love, and I'd like to see them love each other."  
  
"Wow, you see so much more in people than I do. I don't know how I   
feel about Xander being with Spike, romantically. It seems strange to   
me, but I do want them both to be happy. They deserve that. If they   
can make each other happy, there is no way I could begrudge them   
that. Now, I believe you made me a promise. Come on, get with it   
before I pass out from sugar overload."  
  
Tara blushed, as Willow led her off to their bedroom.  
  
Across town in Xander and Spike's shared apartment they were having a   
similar conversation.  
  
"I thought that went well." Xander's tone was mild. "Didn't think I'd   
ever get you away from Willow tonight."  
  
"The girl knows good books. Didn't know she read Russian. How did you   
get on with the little blonde. I didn't pay to much attention to her   
tonight. Suppose I should have."   
  
"Tara was great. We have a lot in common. I'm glad she's here. Do you   
think we should do this again?" Xander was curious as to whether   
Spike had enjoyed himself enough to want to repeat the night.  
  
"We should. It was fun. Think we could all use some more fun. We'll   
have to plan something little bit can come to one of these nights as   
well. She feels a bit left out." Spike's concern for Dawn shone   
through.  
  
"Yeah, we should include her in some of this. I like the grown-up   
time, that we had tonight though too. Well, I'm tired. Goodnight   
Spike."  
  
"Goodnight Xan." 


	8. Phone Conversation

Title: Phone Conversation  
  
Series: Moving On part 8  
  
Author: DarkChilde princess220@alltel.net or   
darkchilde78@ididitmyway.com  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Spoiler Warning: Through the Gift and There's No Place Like Plrtz   
Glrb. Don't read this if you don't want to know how the season ended.  
  
Summary: Back to LA for this part. The LA gang get a wedding   
invitation. They call Willow to confirm. Series will involve slash   
pairings.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Everything else belongs to   
Joss, ME, and other individuals and corporate entities. No profit is   
made. No copyright infringement intended.  
  
Distribution: The Dreams & Musings website. UCSL. Any other list   
archives can have it. If anyone else wants it just ask.  
  
Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who has sent feedback so far. I'm   
almost done. Just a few more parts. I've already got the sequel to   
the series planned though, so there will be more coming. This series   
might be a little hard to follow. Rest assured, that it all comes   
together in the end. Parts will be jumping around between Sunnydale   
and LA. There will be lots of UC pairings some slash. If this offends   
you don't read it.  
  
Feedback: Yes please. I love to hear that somebody enjoyed my   
stories, and constructive criticism will only make me improve. Thanks.  
  
  
  
"Angel, I'm fine. Just go do something else. Okay?" Cordelia was   
nearly six months pregnant. She was hot and uncomfortable. She was   
also getting more than just a little irritated. Of the people in her   
life, she would have never picked Angel to be the one to hover. But   
he did. He was just always there. He had to ask at least five times   
an hour whether or not she was alright, whether she needed anything,   
etc., etc. She was getting tired of it. She knew he was only trying   
to help but it just made her feel worse, more helpless, than she   
already did.  
  
"All right. I'm sorry Delia. I'm just trying to help." Angel sounded   
terribly dejected.   
  
Cordelia sighed. She hated it when he did this little lost puppy   
routine. He was just so pitiful. She called after him. "Angel. I'm   
sorry. Just a little on edge."  
  
"That's okay Cordelia. I'll go. Just call if you need me."   
  
Things had actually gotten worse since she had moved into the hotel.   
Her always rare acting jobs were now non-existent, and with medical   
bills, she simply couldn't afford her apartment anymore. Plus, Angel   
especially, but even Wesley and Gunn had worried terribly about her   
being alone. Cordelia wasn't really sure what it was they thought   
would happen to her, but they most definitely wanted someone else   
with her, all the time. On top of losing all of her more promising   
acting spots, she'd started feeling rather useless at the Agency. She   
still had the occasional vision, but they weren't coming with their   
normal frequency. Angel's pet theory was that the Powers that Be were   
going easy on her because of her condition. That thought actually   
disturbed Cordelia. Her experience had been that the Powers don't   
really give a shit, unless there was something important involved.   
That scared her. What if her children were somehow involved with the   
ultimate fight. She didn't want to have to deal with that, didn't   
know if she could. Her physical activity, was pretty much non-  
existent. In one of her earliest ultrasounds the doctors had   
discovered she was carrying twins. Apparently they were big twins.   
She felt huge, and barely made it around the office these days, there   
was certainly no way she could go out on cases with the guys. Not   
that Angel would have allowed it anyway. Well, she didn't really want   
to sit around and mope all day. Cordelia picked up the stack of mail   
that had come today and began leafing through it. Mostly it was the   
usual bills and some junk mail. One envelope did stand out though. It   
was a pale cream color and heavy paper. It looked like an invitation   
of some sort. Cordelia opened it and was very surprised at what she   
found inside.  
  
"Angel, come look." She called out.  
  
Angel must have literally run to the room, he was there so   
quickly. "What is it Delia, can I get you anything."  
  
"No, I don't need anything, but look what came in the mail." Cordelia   
handed him the envelope.   
  
Angel took the enclosed card out and read it. It was an invitation to   
Willow and Tara's commitment ceremony. "Willow is getting married. I   
don't even know who this Tara girl is. Do you?"  
  
"Kind of. I don't really know anything about her, but I did know she   
and Willow were a couple. I really meant to stay in touch, after   
everything happened. I've just been so caught up in my own issues, I   
didn't even think about what's going on there. We should call, don't   
you think? Just to check up." Cordelia sounded a little concerned.   
It wasn't that this was unhappy news or anything. It was just that   
she truly had meant to try to keep in closer contact with her friends   
and hadn't done that. That alone upset her.  
  
"That's probably a good idea. We can get some more information on the   
wedding then too. If the travel won't be too hard on you, we should   
go." Angel, too had hoped to stay in touch with Willow and the rest   
of them, but had been overwhelmed with Cordelia's situation. His   
voice was also filled with concern for Cordelia.   
  
"I'm sure I'll be fine, Angel. It's not as though we'll have to walk   
to Sunnydale. Now, I'm going to call Willow. Do you want to talk to   
her when I'm done?" Cordelia's trademark sarcasm was coming through.   
Over the years, she had gained some control over it, but whatever   
control she had once had failed her in the face of her pregnancy.  
  
"I would. I want to check on a few things myself. Just call me when   
you've finished." Angel left Cordelia alone to call her friend.  
  
Cordelia picked up the phone and dialed the number listed on the   
invitation. It wasn't the number that she had for Willow, so she   
thought she'd try it first, it was early evening after all, they   
should be home by now. The phone rang for a few moments before it was   
picked up. Cordelia didn't recognize the voice. "Hello"  
  
"Hi, is Willow there. This is her friend Cordelia." Cordelia sounded   
a little unsure of herself. She hated it when she didn't know the   
other person on the other end of the phone, or at least know some   
easy category they could be placed in like receptionist.  
  
"Oh, Hello. I'm Tara. Willow already left for the magic shop. We meet   
over there quite a bit. I'm sure everyone would love to hear from   
you." Tara apparently found talking on the phone much easier than   
talking in person. She spoke warmly and with no trace of her   
trademark stutter.  
  
"Thank you Tara. I've got that number I'll try calling in a few   
minutes. We got the invitation today. Congratulations." Cordelia was   
glad to know who this was. she answered equally warmly. It would be   
good to talk to everyone.  
  
"Thank you. I hope you can come. Willow has talked about you a lot,   
Angel too."  
  
"I hope we can too. Bye now. I'll talk to everyone a little later."   
Cordelia gets off the phone feeling pretty good about the call. She   
takes a couple of minutes before calling the Magic Shop.   
  
The phone rang several times before it was answered by Giles. "Magic   
Box, is there anything I can help you with?"  
  
"Giles, this is Cordelia."  
  
It was rare that Giles or the others received a call from anyone in   
Los Angeles so he immediately had to wonder if something was   
wrong. "Is everything okay there, Cordelia?"  
  
"Yes of course, everything's fine. I just wanted to call and touch   
base. I've meant to call more often, things just got in the way. We   
got Willow and Tara's wedding invitation today. I wanted to call and   
congratulate her. Is she there?"   
  
"She is, just a moment and I'll get her for you. It is nice to hear   
from you." Giles answered warmly. He called Willow over to   
him. "Willow, Cordelia is on the phone and would like to speak with   
you."  
  
Willow bounced over to the phone and took it from Giles. "Thanks   
Giles. Cordy, hi. You got the invitation then."  
  
"I did. I wanted to call and congratulate you. I called the number on   
the card first, and Tara answered. She told me I could find you here.   
She seems really sweet Willow."  
  
"Thanks Cordy. She is great. There's so much to tell you about. I'm   
sorry, I keep meaning to call, catch everyone up." Willow sounds   
happy, but an edge of wistfulness enters her voice.  
  
Cordelia, laughed. "You know I said almost the exact same thing to   
Giles. Don't worry about it Willow. I've got some news for all of you   
too. I'm going to have a baby, two actually. I'm having twins."   
Cordelia's own voice reflecting a newfound happiness. In many ways   
her pregnancy made her miserable, but she could never be unhappy   
about the two babies she was bringing into the world. She already   
loved them more than anything.  
  
Willow was stunned. She certainly had expected just about anyone   
other than Cordelia to beat them all at having children. "Wow, when   
did that happen? Uhm, who's the father?"  
  
"Just after we found out Buffy had died. The father isn't really   
important, he's not around. I know how shocked you must be, who would   
have ever thought I'd be a mother. I'm happy about it though. Who   
else is there tonight?" Cordelia sounded almost amused by the shock   
in Willow's voice.   
  
"We're all here tonight. Tara's on her way. Dawn is here. You already   
talked to Giles. Spike and Xander are here too." Willow was still in   
shock, and just now noticed that the rest of the room had been   
looking at her expectantly since she asked Cordelia who the father   
was.  
  
"Since when does Spike come to the Scooby meetings? Last I heard, he   
was being reluctantly tolerated at best. On account of being helpless   
and all."  
  
"Pretty much ever since Buffy died. He was really upset, he stuck   
around and helped us, protected Dawn. He's been great. He's changed   
Cordelia, he really has. We wouldn't know what to do without him."  
  
"Okay that's pretty much the strangest thing I've ever heard. Let me   
talk to Xander. You can tell everyone else, but I want to hear the   
shock in Xander's voice when I tell him I'm pregnant."  
  
Willow dropped her voice, so only Cordelia could hear her   
response. "Be careful, Cordy. He's still hurting over Anya. It took   
some time for him to even be able to deal with Tara and I getting   
married. He had asked her to marry him. I'm not sure if anyone ever   
told you that."  
  
"I didn't know. Still I'd like to tell him myself. I promise, I'll be   
careful." Sadness crept into Cordelia's voice. She and Xander had had   
their problems, but she still thought he was one of the bravest and   
kindest individuals she had ever known.   
  
"Sure, I'll put him on." Willow laid the phone down and went to   
Xander. "Xander, Cordelia wants to talk to you."  
  
Xander nodded and went and picked up the phone. "Hey Cordy. How are   
things there. Deadboy behaving himself." He was trying hard for the   
same light tone she was familiar with, but not quite making it.  
  
"We're all doing great, Xander. I've got a little news for you. I   
don't really know how else to tell you, so I'm just gonna say it.   
I'm pregnant, with twins. The father's not around, and that's okay,   
because I think my children are going to have an over abundance of   
male role models in their lives. I want you to be happy for me   
Xander. Are you?" Cordelia allowed compassion for Xander and a touch   
of fear at what his reaction might be to creep into her voice.  
  
A silent tear fell from Xander's eyes as he listened to Cordelia.   
Even so, he was smiling. He was happy for his friend. Still, it did   
hurt to be reminded yet again of what he would never have with   
Anya. "Yeah, I imagine those rugrats will have all they can handle   
between Angel, Wesley, and that other guy you told us about. I don't   
remember his name. It will be great to talk again, are you coming to   
Willow's wedding?"   
  
"Of course we're going to be there. I wouldn't miss it for the world.   
Angel was worried about me traveling, I'll be about ready to pop by   
then, but I told him it wasn't like we had to walk to Sunnydale. That   
man can hover." Cordelia sounded almost like her old self, in these   
sentences.  
  
Xander laughed at the thought of Angel taking care of Cordelia. "I   
can't imagine. I guess I'll just have to see for myself. We'd all   
love it if you could come and spend a few days. What do you think?"  
  
"Hold on, let me call Angel in here. You get everyone there in by the   
phone, and we'll just decide now what we are going to do." Cordelia   
was giving orders now, something she'd always been comfortable doing.  
  
Xander did as she asked. And Cordelia called Angel in. Wesley and   
Gunn followed along behind, curious about what was being planned.  
  
"Okay everyone, I have our end on speakerphone. Do you guys have a   
speakerphone?" Cordelia asked.  
  
"Yeah, Dawn made Giles buy one for the shop. She or Willow will have   
to work it though." Xander called Dawn over to fix the very   
complicated phone she had made Giles buy.  
  
Dawn fixed the phone and spoke to everyone. "Hey Cordelia, Angel. I   
heard you're having babies Cordy."  
  
"Sure am little girl. Hi everyone, can we all hear?"   
  
There were murmured replies heard from both groups.  
  
"Okay then the purpose of this discussion is deciding what we here in   
LA are going to do for your Wedding Willow, Tara." Cordelia took over   
the moderating role in the discussion.  
  
"Xander suggested that we might come down and spend a few days. What   
does everyone think about that?"  
  
"Cool, then you could take me shopping. No offense Willow, but I   
haven't really done any good shopping in a while." Dawn was excited   
about the prospect of shopping with Cordelia.  
  
"I think we'd all like that, Cordelia. It would give us some time to   
catch up." Giles added his own enthusiastic response.  
  
"I know Tara and I would love it if you stayed for a while. It would   
give her a chance to get to know you. And we have all felt bad about   
not contacting you guys more often." Willow answered.  
  
"Well, if you'd all like to have us. I'm sure Cordelia and I would   
like to come. Wes?" Angel was looking forward to seeing what had   
changed in Sunnydale. He also knew he needed to visit Buffy's grave   
to finally lay that relationship to rest. He needed to move on.   
  
"Willow is a lovely young lady, I'd certainly like to attend her   
wedding. It would also give me the opportunity to return a few books   
to Rupert, that I borrowed months ago." Wesley graciously responded.  
  
"Well, if he's coming, you can bet that Gunn will be along too. They   
never go anywhere if they aren't together. You guys don't really know   
him, so you can meet someone new too." Cordelia added.  
  
"Good then it's settled that you are coming. When and for how long?"   
Dawn was taking charge. She'd done that more and more as time went   
on. While she usually deferred to the other's for actual decisions,   
Dawn seemed to enjoy directing the conversation.  
  
"God, it's amazing how much like Buffy you sound." Angel broke in,   
his voice sad.   
  
"Do I?" Dawn asked. She hadn't ever realized before, but Angel's   
words made her wonder if she hurt the rest of them every time she   
spoke. She didn't want to remind them of her, if it hurt.   
  
Those thoughts were clear on her face. Spike had intended to remain   
silent for this conversation with his sire, but he couldn't let Dawn   
think that there was something wrong with sounding like Buffy. He   
went up to her and gave her a hug. "You do, pet. But that's okay.   
It's a good thing. You keep her here for us, we won't ever forget   
her. Sometimes it hurts to be reminded, but not nearly as much as   
forgetting would hurt. Forgetting the sound of her voice would be a   
terrible thing."   
  
The people on the other end of the phone listened, astonished. They   
all recognized Spike's voice. Willow had told Cordelia that Spike had   
changed, but she wasn't really sure what that meant. Whatever, she   
had thought, she had never expected him to exhibit such obvious   
compassion. She had never seen even the slightest bit of that in   
Spike. Wesley and Gunn only really knew of Spike through stories, all   
of them brutal. Only Angel had any knowledge of this side of Spike.   
Spike had always treated Dru, with this kind of compassion, but he   
certainly had not extended it to anyone else. How much had he   
changed.   
  
Angel was the first to break the silence. "Spike, thank you for   
talking to her. I didn't mean anything. What are you still doing   
there." His words were hesitant. He didn't trust Spike, how could he,   
but it was evident that he had changed. He wasn't quite sure how to   
deal with this new Spike.  
  
"I didn't do it for you. I couldn't let her think she was hurting   
people. Not that it's any of your business, but I made a promise that   
kept me here. I promised Buffy, I'd protect Dawn, till the end of the   
world. I can't very well do that from someplace else, now can I.   
Besides, where would I go, what would I do. I still have this bloody   
chip in my skull." Spike's voice was defiant, almost daring Angel to   
object to his place here.  
  
Wesley was puzzled by what Spike's motivations could possibly be.   
Everything he had ever been taught told him that Vampires were   
soulless and therefore fundamentally evil. They shouldn't be able to   
behave in this way. He had to know more. "Why, why did you make that   
promise?"  
  
It was Xander who answered him. His voice was hot with anger that   
anyone should question Spike's place. "Because, he loved her. He   
loves them both. And don't give me any of this bullshit about how   
that's not possible, because I see it everyday."   
  
Spike moved over and laid a gentle hand on Xander's arm, just to get   
his attention. "Xander that's enough. I'm not surprised they question   
it. They haven't been here. They don't know. Besides that is the   
conventional wisdom. Angelus even told me I couldn't love once, that   
vampires didn't love." Spike had spoken in low soothing tones. Xander   
calmed a little, but his body was still tense with anger. "I think   
perhaps I should not be a subject for conversation, for now at   
least." Spike was now addressing the group in its entirety.  
  
"I'm sorry. It's just, everything we've been taught..." Wesley began.  
  
Giles cut him off. "Much of it is wrong. You will see that when you   
get here. Now back to the question at hand when are you coming down?"   
Giles tried to cut off the conversation before it got any more out of   
hand.   
  
"Well the wedding is on the 21st. Would it be better if we spent the   
week before or the week after?" Cordelia too tried to steer the   
conversation back to their travel plans.  
  
"Depends on what you want. Tara and I aren't actually going on a   
honeymoon, or anything, so we'll be around after the wedding. There   
will probably be more free time, but if you come before, you can come   
to the rehearsal dinner and everything." Willow answered her, giving   
the practical reasons for each choice.  
  
"Well when is your rehearsal?"  
  
"The 19th" Tara answered.  
  
"Okay, then how about, we come in the 18th and just don't go home   
until say the 26th? Sound good?"  
  
"That's fine with me. Angel does it work for scheduling for you?"   
Willow was trying to make sure the plans were okay with everyone.   
  
"Cordelia handles all of our scheduling unless there's an emergency,   
so it's up to her." Angel's answer was non-committal. Xander wondered   
how long it had taken before he'd learned to give that kind of answer   
when working with Cordy.  
  
"Well okay then I guess those are the dates. Why don't we let you go.   
You can call when you have hotel reservations and stuff made. We'll   
see you in a month." Willow was glad they had finished this   
conversation without major problems.  
  
"Sounds good Willow. Just so I make sure, I have all the phone   
numbers correct, you are at this new number right?" Cordelia asked   
wanting to update her address book.  
  
"That's right. Tara and I just got that apartment. Dawn and Giles are   
living in Dawn and Buffy's house, the number there is still the same,   
but Giles had his line transferred there too. So either number works   
for them. Xander still has his apartment, and Spike has been living   
with him. That covers us all. Oh, and you obviously have this number.   
If you can't get ahold of us at home, at least some of us are usually   
here." Willow answered her question.  
  
Everyone said their goodbyes and they hung up the phones. Cordelia   
had been surprised by most of the conversation, but not really   
shocked at anything. She would see what was going on with Spike when   
she got there. Mostly she was looking forward to seeing old friends.   
Angel was trying to reconcile his pictures of Spike. That had always   
been a problem, contrasting the gentle Spike that cared for Dru, with   
the brutal killer he knew Spike could be. But now it seemed even more   
difficult. His last memory of Spike was being tortured when Spike was   
searching for the Gem of Amara. But that was so clearly not the same   
Spike that had been on the other end of this phoneline. The Spike he   
had heard there had expressed compassion, empathy with at least two   
humans, two humans who he had once considered enemies. It was   
incredible, and Angel, only hoped it was real. Wesley pondered over   
the possibility that Spike could really be different from what he had   
been taught. Giles had calmly informed him that much of their   
training was wrong. How had he dealt with that. What else had they   
been taught that was wrong. Moreover, was Spike an exception or did   
all vampires have this capacity for caring. Well they would all find   
out soon enough, in about a month they would be there. Gunn had   
neither known Spike nor had the formal training of Wesley. Still his   
experiences had taught him that vampires were not creatures who loved   
and cared about human beings. Then again there was Angel, Gunn had   
never really bought that it was simply the soul that made Angel   
different. After all there were thousands of people who committed   
acts every bit as atrocious as any vampire's. They had souls, it   
hadn't made them good. No there was more to it than the soul. Maybe   
Spike's chip had served the same purpose in him. They would see what   
was going on firsthand. 


	9. Coming Together

Title: Coming Together  
  
Series: Moving On part 9  
  
Author: DarkChilde princess220@alltel.net or   
darkchilde78@ididitmyway.com  
  
Rating: R  
  
Spoiler Warning: Through the Gift and There's No Place Like Plrtz   
Glrb. Don't read this if you don't want to know how the season ended.  
  
Summary: The LA gang is in Sunnydale. Spike and Xander come together.   
Series will involve slash pairings.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Everything else belongs to   
Joss, ME, and other individuals and corporate entities. No profit is   
made. No copyright infringement intended.  
  
Distribution: The Dreams & Musings website. UCSL. Any other list   
archives can have it. If anyone else wants it just ask.  
  
Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who has sent feedback so far. I'm   
almost done. Just a few more parts. I've already got the sequel to   
the series planned though, so there will be more coming. This series   
might be a little hard to follow. Rest assured, that it all comes   
together in the end. Parts will be jumping around between Sunnydale   
and LA. There will be lots of UC pairings some slash. If this offends   
you don't read it.  
  
Feedback: Yes please. I love to hear that somebody enjoyed my   
stories, and constructive criticism will only make me improve. Thanks.  
  
  
  
Willow and Tara were waiting at the magic shop. Dawn and Giles were   
both there as well. Spike and Xander would be there soon. They were   
all waiting on Angel, Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn. Willow wasn't sure,   
why they had already gone into waiting mode. She knew that they   
wouldn't leave until after sunset, so they had a couple of hours to   
wait at best. But she couldn't help it. The last time she had seen   
any of them it had been to deliver the news of Buffy's death. They   
hadn't really talked much then. She was anxious to speak with   
Cordelia and Angel. Wanted to renew her acquaintance with Wesley, and   
was waiting to meet Gunn. Unable to concentrate on anything   
productive, Willow and Tara played cards with Dawn while Giles worked   
on stocking supplies. A little bit later, Spike and Xander showed up.   
Xander joined the card game, but Spike paced the floor. He was   
nervous about how this would go. None of these people had been here   
to see the differences that the last months had made in him. He knew   
that they didn't trust him. Spike hoped he could prove that he   
deserved their trust. He was particularly worried about seeing Angel   
again. They had not exactly parted on good terms last time. And there   
was just the simple fact that he couldn't seem to keep his mouth   
closed around his sire. He never had. Being in Angel's presence had   
always made him even more sarcastic than usual. He didn't want to   
cause trouble. He and Willow had developed quite a strong friendship   
over the last months though, and he would be there on her day. He   
wouldn't allow Angelus and his little group to intimidate him.  
  
"Spike you are going to wear a hole in the floor, and then Giles will   
make me fix it. Come sit down." Xander spoke to Spike without looking   
up from his cards.  
  
Spike did sit down in the empty seat next to Xander, but he was still   
fidgety. A moment later Willow chimed in. "Would you please calm   
down. Really Spike, it's not as if they are going to come in here   
stakes drawn and ready. We wouldn't allow it. Now sit still."  
  
Spike couldn't help the sarcastic comment that came next. "Yes, mum.   
should I not spoke till spoken too as well."  
  
"Spike, if you are going to talk like that, I think that's an   
excellent idea. Come on, I want to talk to you before they get here."   
Xander is who answered him. "Sorry to bow out on the game girls."   
Xander grabbed Spike's wrist and pulled him along until they were in   
the training room. "Tell me what the problem is Spike. I've never   
seen you this nervous."  
  
"I'm not nervous." Spike snapped.  
  
"Yeah right. You just always snap at Willow and try to wear holes in   
the floor. What's up Spike? Are you worried about them trying to hurt   
you, because Willow's right, we'd never allow it. I don't think   
they'd try anyway."  
  
"No, it's not that."  
  
"Well then what is it." Xander raised his voice in frustration.  
  
"I'm afraid of what they'll say. Angel and I don't exactly get along,   
and Wesley is still bogged down by what the Council says. I just   
don't want them to try and convince you all, that I don't really mean   
what I say, or that I haven't really changed. For a long time, I   
wanted you all to still believe I was bad and would hurt you. I don't   
want that anymore Xander. I don't ever want any of you to be afraid   
of me or think I'd hurt you again." Spike had spoken quickly and   
softly, his voice wavering. The look on his face was lost. He'd never   
looked more pitiful.  
  
Xander wrapped him in a tight hug and whispered against Spike's   
hair. "Don't you ever worry about that happening Spike. there is   
nothing that Angel or Wesley could ever say that could change how we   
feel. We know you won't hurt us. We trust you. If your chip came out   
today, I'd trust you to not hurt a one of us, to stay and continue   
protecting us. I don't just think that, I know it." Xander's words   
were heartfelt, and they warmed Spike.  
  
"Thank you Xander."  
  
Xander and Spike went back out and rejoined the card game. Spike was   
much calmer now. Half an hour later Cordelia came through the door,   
Angel close behind her. She was very obviously pregnant, but still   
dressed to the height of fashion. She looked wonderful and happy.   
Xander rushed over to her, throwing his arms around her.  
  
"You look wonderful Cordelia. I'm glad you're here."  
  
"That's nice. Thanks Xander, but lesson number one: always let the   
pregnant lady sit down before you start talking to her." Cordelia's   
tone was gentle.  
  
Xander stepped back and motioned towards a chair. Angel helped her to   
sit, not always an easy proposition when seven months pregnant and   
carrying twins. "Oops sorry Cordy. Can I get you anything."  
  
Cordy laughed, "Don't tell me you are going to hover over me too.   
Really I get quite enough of that from Angel."  
  
"I do not hover."  
  
"Yes you do. Have you ever heard the phrase bad as an old mother hen,   
well they are talking about you. I would like some water if someone   
would get me some. Let's get introductions out of the way first.   
Where's Tara."  
  
Giles slipped off to get a glass of water for Cordelia while Tara   
introduced herself to the others.   
  
Tara stepped forward. It was really remarkable how much more sure of   
herself the girl had become in the last months. She blushed as she   
spoke, but didn't stammer once. "I'm Tara. You must be Cordelia."  
  
"That's right, of course I don't suppose I was too hard to pick out,   
being the only woman, and pregnant at that. The one hovering around   
me is Angel. Wesley, Gunn you had better introduce yourselves."  
  
"Tara it's very nice to meet you. I'm Wesley Windham-Pryce, Wesley   
will do."  
  
"It's good to meet you also. Angel, nice to meet you as well."  
  
"I hear you make Willow very happy Tara, that being the case, it is a   
pleasure to meet you." Angel spoke cordially.  
  
"Hey, I'm Gunn. I work with them. Good to finally get to meet all of   
you. Now I can put faces to the names in Delia's stories." Gunn   
introduced himself to the room, just as Giles was returning with   
Cordelia's water."  
  
"It's very nice to meet you Gunn. I'm Tara. I think I'll let Willow   
take the rest of the introductions. Willow nodded and also moved   
forward, grabbing Tara's hand in the process. "Hi, I'm Willow, the   
other half of the pair that's getting married. The two of us are   
witches. Giles just brought Cordelia her water, he was Buffy's   
Watcher. This is Dawn. Over here is Xander, my oldest and dearest   
friend and next to him is Spike, who I'm sure you've heard about."  
  
"Like I said, good to meet you all."  
  
The group talked quite late into the night, trying to catch up on   
each other's lives. Anybody who was watching could see several   
things, but the actual people involved seemed oblivious to all of   
them. Angel did indeed hover over Cordelia, making sure she had   
everything she needed. Constantly reassuring himself that she was   
okay. As Cordelia had hinted, wherever Wesley was, Gunn was nearby.   
They stuck together, though never once in the long night, did they   
touch. The final thing one would notice was how Spike hung back for   
the conversations. He stayed almost constantly by Xander's side, but   
didn't really talk with anyone. They would also notice that both   
Xander and Spike would periodically reach out and touch the other,   
usually just a light brush of hands, but a very deliberate touch none   
the less. Angel planned on having at least one long discussion with   
Spike before the week was over, but had decided to dedicate tonight   
to reacquainting himself with these people he thought of as friends.   
Just before dawn, the group broke up. Angel, Cordelia, Wesley, and   
Gunn to their hotel, and the rest to their homes. They would talk   
again tomorrow.   
  
Xander had taken the week off, as soon as he learned that Cordelia   
and the others would be in town. He wanted that time to catch up.   
Besides it wasn't as though he ever really went anywhere on vacation.   
He had decided that he could sleep late, considering he didn't have   
to go to work, and his friends all kept vampire's hours.   
Unfortunately fate was not kind. His nightmares which had been   
diminishing both in frequency and severity, chose this night to   
return. They were worse than ever. So many people, all blaming him.   
Some of them people he knew and cared about, Buffy, Anya, Jesse,   
Dawn, even Willow and Spike. Others were simply nameless faces,   
people he should have been able to save. People who would have lived,   
if he had done a better job. It was terrible. They all said the same   
thing. "This is your fault. You caused this. Why couldn't you do a   
better job. By the time Spike shook him awake, the dream had already   
done far more damage than they usually did. Xander was shaken down to   
his very core. He wouldn't speak or respond to Spike in any way. For   
the first few minutes after he woke, he even flinched away from   
Spike's touch. Spike was nearly frantic with worry. He tried to stay   
calm though, because he knew that getting upset, could only upset   
Xander more. After a few moments Xander at least allowed Spike to   
touch him again. Spike pulled him close petting his hair and back and   
whispering soothing nonsense to him. A few minutes later the tears   
finally came. Xander was coming back to him, back from whatever place   
he went to when he hid from his emotions. Spike continued to speak to   
him, but with a little more purpose now. "It's alright Xander, you're   
back with me. It's not your fault. None of it is your fault. Spike   
had sat with him after enough nightmares to know what the subject of   
them inevitably was.  
  
"It was worse than usual Spike, there were so many of them." Xander's   
voice came out low and weak. He sounded so very lost.   
  
"I know, but it's okay now, luv. It was just a dream, it wasn't real.   
You do more than could ever be expected of a person." Spike answered   
in his soothing voice.  
  
Xander simply continued to cry. He did know and understand that it   
wasn't his fault. Really he did, but it didn't stop the impact of the   
dreams. The guilt weighed on him heavily. He couldn't shake it off as   
easily as all that.  
  
Spike comforted him the best he could. Continuing to talk to him as   
well as hold him close. He'd discovered that two things helped to   
reach Xander. The first was touch, Xander reacted to being touched,   
and touched in return. He had lost so many over the years, and this   
seemed to help him remember that some people were still here. It was   
a reminder. The other was a low soothing voice. Something told Spike,   
that Xander hadn't heard that kind of voice much growing up, and he   
craved it now. This was the voice a parent used to calm an upset   
child. It was the voice that Spike had used so many times to calm Dru   
from one of her outbursts. It also calmed Xander. Finally the young   
man in his arms quieted. He simply remained there in Spike's embrace   
for a few moments.  
  
Finally, Xander looked up and spoke, "Thank you Spike. I don't know   
how I'd survive without you here. Thank you so much." Xander's voice   
was thick with gratitude.   
  
Xander's face was just a few short inches away from Spike's. They   
were looking straight into each other's eyes and the depth of emotion   
in each was staggering. They remained perfectly still for a moment,   
just looking at each other. Spike moved, very slowly bringing his   
mouth to Xander's, not so much a real kiss as just brushing his mouth   
against Xander's. When Xander didn't push him away, Spike kissed   
Xander again, for real this time. Their lips touched gently but   
firmly, Xander's mouth opening under the gentle pressure from   
Spike's. Spike's tongue swept the outline of Spike's mouth. Xander   
responded in kind. As quickly as the kiss had started, they both   
pulled back. Spike spoke, his voice raw with emotion, "I couldn't   
survive without you. Never forget that, Xander. Now get some sleep."   
He brushed Xander's hair back from his face, and settled him back   
down in the bed. He then went back out into the living room. He   
needed some time to think.  
  
Xander settled down into the bed. His emotions and thoughts were both   
still flying around. He wasn't sure what had just happened. He knew   
the actual events, could trace them from point A to point B, but he   
wasn't sure what it meant. Spike had kissed him. Why? What did it   
mean? He had enjoyed it. What did that mean? His swirling thoughts   
warred with the exhaustion the dream had left behind. Exhaustion   
finally won out and Xander fell back to sleep, this time thankfully   
dreamless.  
  
Spike on the other hand couldn't sleep at all. He wasn't sure what   
had made him kiss Xander. He'd been looking at him. The emotions in   
Xander's rich brown eyes, may as well have been written down. There   
were the remnants of guilt and fear left from the dream. There was   
trust, complete and total trust. And underlying it all was gratitude,   
the profound gratitude of someone whose life had been saved. And   
maybe he had saved Xander's life. He had forced Xander to come back,   
to live in the world again. In a way that was a life saving act, but   
whatever gratitude Xander felt, couldn't be more than Spike felt for   
him. In Xander, Spike had found a focus, a reason to move on. The boy   
embodied all that had been the best in Buffy, and brought along his   
own unique strengths. Keeping those things in tact, had given Spike   
purpose, a reason to go on. Maybe it had been simply that gratitude   
speaking when he had kissed Xander. Or maybe it had been more than   
that. Xander was an undeniably attractive young man. He always had   
been. Anya had been very lucky to have him. In the last months   
increased demon hunting, training, and his job had made Xander even   
more impressive than before. Xander's body was now covered in lean   
muscle. He had not gained any bulk, he was all about long lean lines.   
He was beautiful. But it hadn't been simple desire that had fueled   
that kiss. Spike slowly tried to trace the evolution of his feeling   
for Xander, beginning with Buffy's death nearly seven months ago. In   
the beginning there had been worry over him because Buffy had cared   
for him. Gradually that had changed into worry for him, because he   
was a remarkable human that Spike wanted to see protected. Spike   
began to love Xander because of the pieces of Buffy he carried   
around. Xander had reminded him so much of all the good things about   
Buffy, without being the constant visual reminder that Dawn was.   
Spike had loved him for that. Then the two of them had built a strong   
friendship. They were best friends, in many ways, Xander was Spike's   
first best friend. But what did he feel for him now. Spike thought   
about this for quite some time. His mind bringing up memories. Some   
of them actual events, their first dinner with Willow and Tara for   
instance. Other's merely remembered sensations. The feeling of Xander   
crying in his arms, The gentle brush of fingertips across his hand,   
the sound of Xander's laugh. Finally the sensation of that kiss.   
Spike realized then that he had fallen in love with Xander. He still   
loved Buffy, he always would, but Xander had claimed yet another   
piece of his heart. Now there was only one thing left to know. Did   
Xander love him? Spike had no idea how to answer that question. He   
turned instead to his newest friend, and Xander's oldest. Spike   
called Willow.  
  
Unfortunately he had forgotten that both girls had today completely   
full. It was not only the day of their rehearsal for the wedding, but   
they had their final dress fittings today. He had gotten the girls'   
answering machine when he called. He didn't want to say what was   
bothering him, on the machine, so he just left a message asking   
Willow to call him as soon as possible. He hoped that he hadn't   
sounded to desperate on the machine. He didn't want to worry her, but   
he needed someone to talk to about this. Spike waited and wondered   
for a couple more hours. Willow still had not called him back. He was   
frustrated, and had to talk about this. He didn't know who else to   
call, so he called his sire. It was probably a stupid thing to do,   
but even a century of being apart from him, didn't stop Spike's   
natural reaction. When you are in trouble, you go to your Sire for   
help. In the past, Angel couldn't or wouldn't have helped him, but   
maybe he could help him now. He called the hotel that he knew that   
Angel must be staying at. After a bit of an argument with the girl at   
the front desk, stupid bint insisted he provide a last name for   
Angel, he was finally connected to Angel's room.  
  
When the phone rang, Angel immediately assumed that something had   
happened with Cordelia. He had made her take the room next to his,   
but he could have still missed something, so his voice was thick with   
worry when he answered the phone. "Hello."  
  
"Angel, I need to talk to you. Is that okay?" It was the least   
confrontational thing that Spike had said to Angel since shortly   
after he was turned. This alone alerted Angel to the seriousness of   
Spike's call.  
  
"What's wrong Spike?"  
  
"I'm not real sure where to start here. How much do you know about   
what was going on with me just before Buffy died right up until now."   
Spike sounded more than just a little uncertain.  
  
"I had a pretty long conversation with Willow last night. I know you   
loved Buffy. I know you stayed to take care of Dawn, and ended up   
taking care of everybody, especially Xander. I know that Willow now   
counts you among her closest friends. Is there anything else, I need   
to know?" Willow had actually said a lot more. She'd talked about how   
close to the edge Xander had come in the first months after losing   
both Anya and Buffy. She had told him how it seemed to be Spike who   
had drawn him back into life. She had also told him that Dawn had a   
theory that Xander and Spike were falling in love. Willow had said   
she was still unsure about that, but Angel had watched them closely   
last night. He was sure that they felt something for each other. He   
wondered if this was what the phone call was about.  
  
"I guess that pretty much covers it. And you believe what she says?"   
Spike had to make sure. He had to know that his sire would understand.  
  
"I do believe her Spike. You've always been more capable of caring   
than most vampires. I trust her judgment, and I trust Xander's more.   
He never even trusted me, but he trusts you, so that's good enough. I   
do warn you that if you ever hurt any of them, I will put you through   
more pain than you can imagine. You will wish for death." Angel   
couldn't help but add that last part. He really did believe Willow   
when she told him that Spike had changed, but what if they were   
wrong? A little threat couldn't hurt.  
  
"I wouldn't hurt them, I wouldn't ever hurt them. Xander has   
nightmares. I found out about them, a couple of months ago. They are   
terrible. Do you remember the nightmares Dru used to have? These are   
worse." Spike didn't wait for an answer, he knew that Angel would   
remember. "I can't watch him suffer through them. I woke him up that   
first time. He was so disoriented he just kind of clung to me. Ever   
since then I've taken care of him after a nightmare hits. I'll hold   
him, I'll talk to him about it. I comfort him. In a lot of ways it's   
really familiar." Spike paused.  
  
"What happened Spike. Is Xander okay?" It wasn't like Spike to ramble   
on this way. He'd always been amazingly direct.   
  
"Oh, he's okay. He had another nightmare tonight Angel. They had   
almost gone away. He hadn't had one for two weeks. This was a bad   
nightmare, worse than I've ever seen. When I woke him up, he wouldn't   
even look at me. It was like I wasn't there. I was more scared than   
I've ever been. I thought I'd lost him. Eventually though, he came   
back to me. He cried and I comforted him, just as we always do. I   
thought things would end there, but Xander thanked me. He was so   
close, and there was so much emotion in his eyes. I couldn't help it,   
I kissed him."  
  
"What happened Spike, did he turn you away. Did something happen?"   
Angel needed to know what about this had his childe so upset. As much   
as he too had tried to suppress his natural instincts with Spike, his   
demon was crying out for him to take care of Spike. Spike was his   
childe, nothing would ever change that, not the soul or the chip,   
nothing.  
  
"No, nothing happened. I kissed him. He let me, he even kissed back a   
little. But I don't know what it meant Sire. I think I'm in love with   
the boy. I can't really explain that, but it's true anyway. I never   
thought I'd say that about anyone again. I thought Buffy was the last   
person I would ever love. The problem is, I don't know how he feels   
about me. He was tired. I told him to go back to sleep and he did. I   
don't think he's really processed what happened yet. What if he hates   
me when he finally does? He loves Anya. I shouldn't have done it   
Angel."   
  
Angel almost laughed. Xander had kissed him back, but what if he   
hated him. How to talk to Spike about this? "Spike, listen to me. I   
don't think that Xander is probably even capable of hating you at   
this point. Look, I'm not Xander, so I can't tell you whether he   
loves you back or not. But it is quite clear that he cares about you.   
Don't worry about it Spike, I'm sure it will all work itself out. You   
should probably talk to him about it though." Angel tried to reassure   
Spike.  
  
Angel's words, did reassure Spike. He hadn't really said anything   
that Spike didn't already know, but just hearing it said out loud   
made it more real. "Thank you Angel. I'm sorry I worried you."  
  
"You are my childe. I did nothing special in helping you. But you are   
welcome just the same. Just let me know how it all works out Spike."   
Angel's voice is surprisingly gentle as he answers Spike. He knows   
just what that thank you cost Spike.   
  
Spike and Angel said their goodbyes. Spike felt much better now that   
he had talked about this. Angel was right, he just needed to talk to   
Xander. Things would work out, one way or another. Just as he was   
assuring himself that this conversation would be painless, Xander was   
getting up.   
  
Xander had slept well after the nightmare. His mind had cleared a   
little, and he was able to look back at what had happened afterwards   
with a little bit of objectivity. He and Spike were very close, that   
was all. He couldn't deny that Spike was attractive. He was all   
angles, looked like something carved from pure white marble. Spike   
was beautiful. Yes, Xander could admit that he found Spike   
attractive, add the raw emotion that was flying in that room, and you   
could easily have something happen. Something like that kiss. It   
didn't mean anything. It didn't have to mean that their relationship   
had changed at all. After all he loved Anya. He had told Anya he   
would love her forever, and he would. He couldn't possibly be in love   
with Spike. Wait a second, where had that thought come from. Who ever   
said anything about love. Maybe things weren't as clear as Xander   
thought.  
  
Spike let Xander go about his morning routine. He waited patiently   
while Xander showered and ate some breakfast. But when that was done,   
he new he had to talk to Xander. "Xander, come here please. We need   
to talk."   
  
Xander almost panicked. 'We need to talk.' Those words almost never   
signaled anything good. That was what his mother said to him before   
she told him his puppy had died. He didn't like those words. They   
meant that something major was going to change. He didn't want   
anything to change. But if there was one thing Xander new about, it   
was facing the inevitable. He walked over and sat on the couch before   
answering. "What about Spike?" He even managed to keep his voice   
controlled and even when he said it.   
  
"I think you know what about Xan, pet. Something happened this   
morning. It changed things between us whether we like it or not. We   
need to talk about what it means for us." Spike still was calm and   
clear.  
  
"No, it was all just because of the environment. It happens   
sometimes, two friends, high emotions, stressful situation. It   
happened with Willow once. It doesn't change anything." Xander was   
babbling.  
  
Spike was crushed. Did this really mean nothing at all to Xander. He   
was sure it had. He pressed a little more. "Is that really all this   
meant for you Xander, because it was more than that for me. I love   
you Xander, it took till this morning to realize it, but that doesn't   
make it any less true. Do you love me Xander?" Spike was practically   
praying for the answer to be yes.   
  
Xander was amazed, Spike had just said he loved him, but how could   
that possibly be. What about Buffy? His own carefully planned out   
convictions faltered now too. His voice was shaky when he   
answered. "I, I shouldn't. Don't you understand, how wrong that is?"  
  
Xander's shaky answer gave Spike hope. Xander hadn't said he didn't   
love him. He'd said that loving him was wrong, well that was   
something that Spike could fight. He knew that there was nothing   
wrong in love. "Why is it wrong Xander? What makes my loving you or   
your loving me wrong?"  
  
"I can't love you. I love Anya. And you love Buffy. We can't be in   
love, it's just wrong." Xander's voice broke again on these words. It   
was obvious that it took a great deal of effort to speak them.  
  
"Love isn't wrong Xander. No, I don't understand when you tell me it   
is. I didn't understand when Angelus told me more than one hundred   
years ago that it was wrong for me to love because I was a demon. I   
have never understood people who say that love is wrong because of   
the gender or race of those involved. And I do not understand how you   
can tell me that my love is wrong because of two dead girls. Love is   
never wrong, Xander. It is a gift, a precious gift. You were lucky in   
Anya. You were able to both give and receive that gift, to love and   
be loved in return is special. I was given, only the opportunity to   
give my love to Buffy, it was never returned, but even that was   
special for me. Now we've both been offered something very rare,   
another chance at love. The only thing that would be wrong, is   
turning that chance away." Spike spoke with power and conviction.  
  
There was silence for a moment as Xander processes Spike's words. He   
finally answered in a small shaky voice, "But if I let her go and   
move on it will be like I've forgotten her. I can't do that, Spike.   
We said we'd be in love forever. How can it be forever if I love   
someone else?"  
  
This time the silence fell to Spike. He understood the things that   
Xander was struggling with. He also new that in the end, the boy was   
wrong. What he was unsure about was how to tell Xander that. "Xander,   
I know it seems like you put Anya out of your life by letting   
yourself love, but you won't. No matter how long you live, or how   
many people you love, you will always love Anya. I will always love   
both Dru and Buffy. They are a part of me, forever. That doesn't mean   
that there isn't room in my heart for someone else. Anya will always   
be a part of you. You will love her forever. I don't think I would   
love you if that weren't true, but that doesn't stop you from loving   
me too." Spike spoke gently. He hoped he was getting through to   
Xander.  
  
"But she's gone. Why should I get to be happy when she doesn't? It   
isn't fair." Xander sounded almost defiant with this new reasoning.  
  
Spike had to fight not to snap at Xander with his answer. "Because   
you are living and breathing and someone loves you. Do you honestly   
think that she would want you to sit around and mourn her for the   
rest of your life. Bloody hell, Xander, if she loved you at all, she   
would want you to reach out and grab hold of anything good. Do you   
know why Xander? Because life is too short. I've lived 121 years as a   
vampire and 23 before that as a human being and it is still too   
short. We have to take the good things when we can. And love isn't   
just a good thing, it's the best thing. Please don't walk away from   
this Xander." Spike had moved to sit beside Xander while he spoke. As   
he finished, he took one of Xander's hands in his.   
  
The silence between them grew long. Xander seemed to be thinking   
about everything that was said. He did love Spike, he'd as much as   
admitted it, during this conversation, but could he act on that. He   
just wasn't sure. Then he looked up, and Spike's blue eyes had   
darkened with emotion. Xander knew then, that he couldn't fight this,   
and if he told the truth, he didn't really want to. This time it was   
Xander who closed the gap between their mouths. Where their first   
kiss had been gentle, exploratory, this one was hungry. They fed at   
each other's mouths, using tongue and teeth to delight each other.   
Spike busied his hands, unbuttoning Xander's shirt. He kept his mouth   
occupied trailing kisses from Xander's mouth to his jawline, then   
down the curve of his neck. Finally he settled at the base of   
Xander's throat, sucking and nipping at the flesh there. Xander kept   
himself busy as well. He had worked Spike's shirt out of his jeans   
and was exploring every inch of Spike's chest with his hands,   
learning the angles and planes by touch. Spike had finally succeeded   
in ridding Xander of his shirt when the phone rang. 


	10. New

Title: New  
  
Series: Moving On part 10  
  
Author: DarkChilde princess220@alltel.net or   
darkchilde78@ididitmyway.com  
  
Rating: R  
  
Spoiler Warning: Through the Gift and There's No Place Like Plrtz   
Glrb. Don't read this if you don't want to know how the season ended.  
  
Summary: Spike and Xander talk about where their relationship is   
headed and announce it to the SG. Series will involve slash pairings.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Everything else belongs to   
Joss, ME, and other individuals and corporate entities. No profit is   
made. No copyright infringement intended.  
  
Distribution: The Dreams & Musings website. UCSL. Any other list   
archives can have it. If anyone else wants it just ask.  
  
Feedback: Yes please. I love to hear that somebody enjoyed my   
stories, and constructive criticism will only make me improve. Thanks   
to everyone who has given me such lovely feedback so far.   
  
  
  
"Bloody, Fucking Hell." Spike yelled in frustration as the phone rang.  
  
"Just ignore it Spike, the answering machine will get it." Xander   
replied in between the kisses he was laying against Spike's skin.  
  
"I can't. It's Willow, I'm sure, and I let a message on her machine   
this morning. I was kind of upset." Spike shuddered at the sensations   
Xander is causing, but tried to remain focused on the task at   
hand. "I've got to answer this luv, but if you don't stop doing that,   
I'm never going to make it to the phone, and then she'll come over   
here."  
  
Xander pulled back a little and allowed Spike to get up and go to the   
phone. He answered, just as the machine picked up. "Willow is that   
you?"  
  
"Spike what's wrong? You sounded frantic on the phone." Willow was   
very very worried.  
  
"Nothing's wrong Red. I'm sorry I worried you." Spike tried to get   
her off of the phone, so he could continue things with Xander.  
  
"Let me talk to her Spike." Xander is suddenly by his side. Spike   
pulled Xander tight against his body and hands the phone over,   
nodding.  
  
"Willow, I promise you, everything here is alright. We both need to   
talk to you, but not right now okay. Nothing bad has happened   
though." Xander tried to make his tone reassuring.  
  
"Xander, would you please just tell me what's going on. Spike called   
this morning, frantic. Now nobody wants to talk to me."  
  
"I promise, we will. It's nothing bad Willow. It's very good, but   
later okay? Please Willow." Xander wanted a little time alone with   
Spike, before they had to start dealing with the outside world.  
  
"Okay, but I want to know just exactly what happened today when you   
come to the rehearsal. Do you understand me?" Willow demands.  
  
"Yes. We'll let you know then. Goodbye Willow." Xander hung up the   
phone without waiting for an answer.  
  
Xander turned back to Spike, who was still holding him tightly. "I   
love you, Spike." he whispered, before kissing him again.   
  
Spike felt tears in his eyes, but could not offer any verbalization   
of his own feelings. Instead he simply responded to the kiss,   
deepening it. He slowly moved them towards the bedroom. He would show   
Xander just how much his love meant. Spike would worship his body.  
  
Spike drug his lips away from Xander's mouth and along his jawline,   
teasing the flesh there. He continued on down the column of Xander's   
neck, dragging his teeth across the hollow of his throat. He could   
feel Xander's reactions. Xander remained utterly silent, but every   
touch sent a shudder of sensation through him. They were in the   
bedroom now, and Spike gently lowered Xander onto the bed, his mouth   
never leaving Xander's body. He was determined to learn the feel and   
taste of every inch of Xander's skin. He lingers at Xander's   
collarbone, nipping at the sharp bone there. Spike continues his slow   
journey down Xander's body, licking, kissing, and nipping along the   
way.   
  
Xander new that there was no turning back now. He had admitted that   
he loved Spike, to himself as much as to the vampire. His heart had   
allowed this to happen probably months before, it just took a while   
for his head to catch up. Spike was right, loving him, did not make   
Xander love Anya less. He could still feel that love for her, it was   
there inside of him as strong and loyal as ever, but she was gone   
now, and he had been given another chance. A chance to be happy, a   
chance to love and be loved. He wouldn't give that up, not for   
anything. He didn't know what words to say, how to convey everything   
he'd realized to Spike, so the only words he spoke were I love you.   
It seemed that those simple words had been enough, because Spike   
responded. He had proceeded to torture Xander with his mouth,   
dragging it along already oversensitized flesh. He was completely   
lost in the sensations. He barely even realized when Spike led him   
from the living room to his small bedroom. He wanted this, he wanted   
to touch and taste to learn the feel of Spike, just as Spike was   
learning his own body. He wanted that, at the same time it scared   
him. He had realized long ago, that he was attracted to men. He'd   
spent years denying it, both to himself and to the world. Ironically,   
it had been Anya who had helped him accept that part of himself. She   
was so very comfortable with herself and by extension with those   
around her. She was also hyper aware of what was going on. She had   
noticed his attraction, and had talked to him about it. She had   
forced him to face it for the first time. And she had made him   
realize that there was nothing wrong with it. This was yet another   
reason to love her. So yes he had come to terms with his attraction   
to men, but he was still a little frightened at what that meant.   
Until this morning he had never even kissed a guy. It wasn't that it   
didn't feel good, it did. He was very much enjoying what Spike was   
doing to him, it just felt way to soon. He needed some time to   
adjust. He'd only just figured out he loved Spike after all. So it   
took a great deal of effort to say his next words. "Spike, wait.   
Please." The words came out strong, despite the effort it took to say   
them, and to his credit Spike did stop.  
  
Spike wasn't sure what exactly was going on. Xander had asked him to   
wait. He didn't know why, but for right now, it was all he could do   
to pull back from Xander's body. He wanted to continue along that   
trail down Xander's body. He wanted to more than anything, but Xander   
had asked for him to stop, and he would. Spike bit by bit moved away   
from Xander until he was sitting on the far side of the bed. He took   
a moment to compose himself before he spoke, "What's wrong Xander?"   
  
Xander looked over at him, and smiled the rather sheepish, self-  
deprecating grin that had been his trademark before so much death had   
touched his world. "I'm sorry. I just need some time, OK?"  
  
"Time for what?" Spike wasn't sure what Xander was asking for. Time   
to grieve, time to accept Spike's feelings, time to accept his own.   
He wanted to understand.  
  
"I don't know, time to process this I guess. I mean, last night I   
went to bed, knowing that the only person I would ever love was dead.   
Today, I've discovered that not only is that not true, but that the   
next person I love is male and a vampire. Don't you think I deserve a   
little time here. I need to get used to this, to us. I guess I just   
need things to move a little bit slower than this." Xander's voice   
was pleading with Spike to understand.   
  
Spike had spent his entire existence as a vampire reaching out and   
taking what he wanted. He hadn't waited, never taken time to get used   
to a situation. He wasn't quite sure what that would mean, but he   
knew that this time he had to do it. He had to give Xander all the   
time he needed. He loved the boy, and more than that he respected   
him. If Xander wasn't ready to move things forward then they   
wouldn't. "Okay. I've never really done the slow thing Xander. I'm   
not sure what that means."  
  
"I guess, we'll have to work that out as we go along. Let's just say,   
I've hit my comfort level for today. I don't know how soon, I'll be   
ready to take things further." Xander wanted to make things very   
clear to Spike. He hoped it was.  
  
"Come here, luv." Xander looked warily at Spike, "I promise I won't   
do anything you're not ready for, I just need to touch you. Please."   
Spike pleaded.  
  
Xander smiled again, when he realized how hard Spike was trying to   
reassure him. He slipped across the bed, allowing Spike to wrap his   
arms around him and just hold him. This at least was a familiar   
sensation, strong arms seeming to comfort and protect him at the same   
time. He settled back against Spike's chest, whispering once more, "I   
love you."  
  
Spike offered up his own smile then, dropping a light kiss to   
Xander's temple. "I love you too."   
  
The two of them sat like that for a long while. Eventually Xander   
spoke again. "Spike, this is nice, but I need to eat, and get ready   
for tonight. I promised Willow we would be there early."  
  
Spike pulled away allowing Xander to get up. "We've got a few hours   
yet, luv. You get ready, I'll fix you something to eat. After that   
we'll talk." Spike's voice was serious again. He knew that they   
needed to discuss just what to say to Willow and the others. He knew   
that he had become a part of this small group. He wouldn't have the   
same problems now as he had when he told Buffy he loved her. No, they   
had accepted him, and so would accept this, but what do you say to   
them. How do you announce this relationship. How surprised would they   
be. This was not something he had any experience at all with. As a   
human he had only loved once, and that love was not returned. His   
relationship with Dru was intense but expected. It did not have to be   
announced or explained. He was Dru's childe, of course he loved her.   
There was no relationship to explain with Buffy. He was nervous and a   
little unsure, more so when he realized that it wasn't just his   
friends, the people he had come to consider family who would be   
finding out, but his sire and his people as well. Things had been   
tense enough when he was simply an accepted member of the group.   
  
Xander nodded taking in his serious tone, and walked off into the   
bathroom. It was late afternoon and he hadn't showered or eaten yet.   
Maybe his mind would be a little clearer after food, and he would be   
ready for whatever conversation Spike had in mind now.  
  
Spike got up and went to the kitchen. He had learned to cook really   
quite well, in the last six months or so. Before Xander had opened up   
again, started to live, he almost never ate. Spike had learned to   
cook so that Xander couldn't use that as an excuse. He fixed meals   
for Xander that for a long time had gone largely untouched. Now he   
still cooked for him. It was something that he was good at, just a   
small thing that he could do for Xander. The routine of it also   
helped to settle his nerves. By the time Xander emerged form the   
bedroom he had a light meal prepared. He fixed himself a mug of blood   
and the two of them sat eating in silence. When they were finished   
they quickly cleaned up and went back to the living room.   
  
Xander did feel better. Food and a shower had made him better   
focused. He patiently waited for Spike to tell him what they needed   
to talk about.  
  
"What are we going to tell them Xander?" Spike's voice was serious,   
he still didn't know what to say to these people, how to make them   
understand.  
  
Xander almost laughed at the look on Spike's face and the tone of his   
voice. He would have, if he didn't know how very serious Spike was.   
So keeping that in mind, Xander kept his own voice serious when he   
answered. "We're going to tell them we're in love."  
  
"But what will they say. How do we explain. What if Angel or one of   
the others objects?" It was very seldom that Spike seemed insecure,   
but at this moment he did. He was scared about what the others would   
say, how they would react.  
  
Xander sighed and moved to hold Spike. This wasn't a position they   
were often in and it was a little awkward at first. It was usually   
Xander wrapped in Spikes arms being reassured that everything was   
going to be okay. For the first time in their relationship Xander had   
to play comforter to Spike. He pulled Spike close to his chest,   
knowing that touch was as reassuring for the vampire as it was for   
him, and just held him for a moment. When he spoke it was in low   
soothing tones. "I don't know what they'll say Spike, and frankly I   
don't really care. Dawn, Willow and Tara will be okay with it I'm   
sure. Half the time I think Dawn forgets what you are. Giles will   
have to adjust, but he accepts you as one of us now. I know he'll   
come around to this. It's been so long since I've really talked to   
Cordelia that I have no idea how she'll react. I never knew the rest   
of them well enough to tell. But what I do know is that whether they   
accept this or not, it's true. It's reality. I love you, and you love   
me. Nothing they can say or do will change that, and none of us would   
let them hurt you. Now come on go get cleaned up. Willow will be   
waiting on us."  
  
Spike calmed at Xander's words. He knew what Xander said was true. It   
didn't matter what they thought, and most of them would probably be   
happy about this anyway. He turned and lightly kissed Xander before   
whispering to him simply, "Thank You." Then he pulled away and went   
to get ready for Willow and Tara's rehearsal and dinner.  
  
Twenty minutes later they were on their way to the park that Willow   
and Tara had decided to hold their wedding at. The discussion of   
place and time had taken quite a little bit of doing. They new that   
they wanted after dark and outdoors. The problem was finding   
someplace that was sufficiently secure that they wouldn't have to   
worry too much about the monsters crashing the wedding. They finally   
settled on holding the wedding just after dusk, when it would be less   
likely that vampires or other nighttime nasties would be out in   
force. They also found a very nice clearing in a large park at the   
edge of town. Willow and Tara would ward the clearing before the   
wedding started, using a circle of protection that would keep those   
things not quite human on whatever side of the barrier they were on.   
Spike and Angel would be unable to leave until the circle had been   
broken, but nothing would be able to get in either. It was a good   
plan. Tonight however, they were relying on the others to watch for   
trouble tonight. Xander and Spike arrived about half an hour before   
the rehearsal was supposed to begin. Willow was waiting for them.  
  
"Okay guys tell me what's going on right this instant. I really don't   
like being scared, and you scared me with your message this morning   
Spike." Willow begins speaking before they can even reach her. There   
is a harsh edge to her voice, worry mixed with fear. Xander had tried   
to reassure her earlier on the phone, but it quite undo the terror   
that had shot through her at Spike's message.   
  
Xander hugged her quickly before he answered her. "Hey, I promised it   
was good news didn't I? Nothing bad happened, well maybe a little   
panic from both of us at first, but nothing really bad. I'm not quite   
sure how to say this. I guess direct is best. Spike and I love each   
other." Xander knows that towards the end of this he was babbling. He   
just hoped that Willow caught everything. Oh well, if she hadn't   
understood it from his words, she ought to at least be able to grasp   
the fact that Spike had not let go of his hand since he had started   
talking.   
  
Willow didn't answer for a moment. She looked back and forth between   
Spike and Xander, taking in one detail at a time. Noticing first   
their tightly clasped hands. Then she looked at their faces. They   
both wore expressions she hadn't seen in far too long, In Spike's   
case, she didn't think she had ever seen it. They were both happy,   
completely and totally happy. She knew then that this was good and   
right. Tara and Dawn had been right, she should have seen it. She   
broke into a smile and hugged each of them. "I'm happy for you. A   
little surprised, but I shouldn't be. Dawn and Tara knew months ago,   
before you did, I'd guess. Could you please tell me what that call   
was all about this morning, Spike?"  
  
Spike was visibly relieved when Willow reacted positively. "I'm sorry   
about that pet. I kissed him, then I told him to go to sleep. He did,   
and I couldn't so I was left to wonder and worry about what it meant.   
We figured it out though. Didn't we love?"   
  
Xander stepped closer to Spike, wrapping an arm around his   
waist. "Yeah, I guess we did. What was that about Dawn and Tara?"   
  
Willow giggled, "Dawn has been saying you two are in love for months   
now. I asked Tara what she thought after our first dinner, and she   
said she thought maybe so. She said it would be a good thing. I   
wasn't sure then, but now I am. She was right. This is a good   
thing."   
  
"Yeah it is." Xander responded.   
  
They still had some time, so Willow pried until she got the entire   
story of the morning out of Spike and Xander. They decided that it   
would be best if they waited and told everyone else together. It   
would be easier anyway. The rehearsal went as planned, no demonic   
attacks interfered, and if anyone noticed that Spike and Xander   
touched a little more than usual they didn't say anything. Xander,   
Dawn and Giles were quite busy with Willow and Tara perfecting just   
where to stand at various points in the ceremony and practicing their   
own few words. Spike watched intently, his eyes never leaving Xander.   
Wesley and Gunn were restless, it was still after dark in Sunnydale   
after all. It didn't help that they seemed to be the only ones   
concerned with making sure there were no demons at the site. Cordelia   
watched everyone and everything with rapt attention, only taking time   
out to yell at Angel for hovering again. And Angel, well, he hovered.   
He was never quite satisfied that Cordelia was comfortable.   
  
When everything was finished, the whole group headed back to the   
magic shop where they were going to eat dinner. They had opted out of   
doing the traditional formal dinner after rehearsal. They were   
content just to all be together. They had finally decided they would   
just get together for pizza afterwards. As soon as they were all in   
the shop and little details like ordering the pizza and getting   
drinks were taken care of Willow spoke. "Now that everyone's here,   
there are a couple of things that I want to say. First I want to   
thank all of you for being here. I hope you all know that I love you.   
You guys are my family. My parents aren't coming to the wedding. They   
don't mind so much that Tara's a girl, but they just can't get past   
the fact that she isn't Jewish. That's okay though, because it's been   
a long time since they were really family." Willow cried just a   
little, but there was still a smile firmly on her face. "There is one   
more thing, but it's really not for me to tell. We have more than   
just the wedding to celebrate today." She looked over at Xander. It   
was his turn now.   
  
Xander stood up rather tentatively. He hadn't been nervous when he   
talked with Spike about this, but he was nervous now. He reached out   
for Spike's hand, and found it. "Well, Spike and I talked this   
morning. We talked for a long time actually. We realized something.   
Somewhere along the line, with everything that's happened we fell in   
love." Xander stopped there, he didn't know what else to say, so he   
decided to say nothing.   
  
Spike stood up and wrapped his arms around Xander. He looked around   
the room trying to gauge the reaction. "That's right. We love each   
other." Spike kisses Xander gently after affirming what Xander has   
already said.  
  
When the two of them break from the kiss, they look to their friends.   
Willow and Tara are wearing matching gentle smiles, happy for their   
dear friends. Giles looks a bit confused, but not in the least upset.   
Angel is smiling. Even Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn don't look upset.   
Dawn is practically ready to burst from excitement.   
  
"I told you. I was right. They are in love." Dawn was saying to the   
room at large.  
  
Giles walked over to where Spike and Xander were standing. In a rare   
show of physical affection, he hugged Xander. "This is something to   
celebrate." He then turned to look at Spike, "Take care of him for   
us, Spike."   
  
"Well, I certainly wasn't expecting this. I'd just barely managed to   
deal with the fact that Spike seemed part of the group. Now he's my   
ex-boyfriends boyfriend. Excuse me, if I can't get to happy about   
this just yet. I'm not saying I won't be, but give a girl some time   
to adjust." Cordelia was the only one to voice what she knew Wesley   
and even Gunn must also be feeling.  
  
Spike nodded, before answering her. "I know that you don't trust me.   
You probably shouldn't I've never given you any reason to. I promise   
you, that this is real though. I love Xander, and I believe he loves   
me. It's not going away, so please just try to accept it."   
  
Angel answered for her, "Spike, I think all of us who new you before,   
can see that you are different. That doesn't make this easy though.   
Give it time. Also I don't think you really need to hear this, but   
you do know that if you ever hurt him, I will hurt you, don't you?"   
Angel's voice is even and measured. He's not at all surprised at this   
news, and really rather happy about it.  
  
Spike laughed at that last from Angel, "Yeah, I know. I won't ever   
hurt him, but if I did, I don't think you'd ever get the chance to   
hurt me. The girls and Giles here would beat you to it, that I'm sure   
of."  
  
Angel smiled, "You're probably right."   
  
Before anyone else could give their opinion of this new development,   
the pizza arrived. They ate, talked, and laughed through the rest of   
the evening. This time everyone did notice that Spike rarely left   
Xander's side, for that matter he was rarely not touching Xander.   
They also noticed that the two seemed incredibly happy, something   
that a few months earlier no one would have believed possible. This   
happiness as much as anything eased at least Cordelia's fears   
somewhat. Still, over the course of the evening nearly everyone   
managed to talk to Spike and Xander. They wouldn't say much tonight,   
but they all wanted to talk later. It was certainly a good thing that   
Xander had the whole week off. His days were packed.   
  
After everything had been cleaned up and most people had gone home,   
only Willow, Tara, Dawn, and Giles were left in the Magic Box.   
  
"I suppose I should have seen this coming. Somehow, I just never   
expected it." Giles, was not really upset. He just didn't know why he   
didn't realize that something was happening sooner.  
  
"I think Dawn is the only one who can claim to have really seen it   
coming. Then Tara kind of agreed with her. I didn't see it either   
Giles, not even after they told me there was something to look for.   
They make each other happy though. I was really scared that Xander   
wouldn't ever be really happy again. He was so lost after Anya died.   
I'm glad Spike can make him happy." Willow reassured Giles.  
  
"She's right. Without Dawn saying something, I would have overlooked   
things." Tara added  
  
"Great, they are happy. Now, that everyone sees that I was right all   
along, how long do you think it will be before Angel and Cordelia   
admit they like each other?" 


End file.
